Funny Lists

Short, punchy comedy for readers on the go. New humor lists regularly. Quizzes | Submit a List

“Forrest Gump” or Jonestown?

"Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do."

The way I'm held when I'm hoisted in the air sort of digs into my ribs. I'd be interested in exploring some other hoisting techniques.

Oh my god, I literally have nothing to put on my college applications. Why did you let me quit cross country?

#amactuallywritinggoodshit – This is a great hashtag to show other writers you’re not just writing, you’re writing better stuff than they are!

Lower self entirely to ground. Pick cute dog up overhead (regardless of size). Exclaim over cute dog’s cuteness. Take 3 to 25 pictures of cute dog.

How about some credit for processing all invoices while my boss lectured me on "eating too many microwaved oyster and pastrami sandwiches at work"?

We could stay inside and play games, I don’t know. I kinda like frying up my sad cuisine, gettin' in bed and curling up with a girlie magazine.

Enjoy public performances like "George Bernard Shaw on a Precariously-Balanced Manhole Cover" and "David Mamet in the Penn Station Bathrooms."

Amish teens form a circle and, when called upon, can choose either Truth or Dairy, two equally adored pastimes.

When I give blood, does the needle the doctors use make a hole in my arm that a ghost could get into?

Stadium security: It’s dangerous, wearing something that makes you look that good. Did you get all dolled up just for me, honey?

Give your dad the gift of a Roth IRA orgasm for Father's Day without having to label it incest.