Friday the 13th

It’s thirteenth of the month and Alice Hardy is being stalked by an unstoppable force: her student loan payments. Armed with an empty wallet and a degree from a top-liberal arts university, will Alice survive the night? Or will her credit score drop precipitously?

Nightmare on Elm Street

Nancy Thompson wants to be an normal teenager, but her dreams of economic mobility get crushed when real estate developers seek to gentrify Elm Street and turn it into the upscale KruGar District. Will Nancy find an affordable sandwich in a neighborhood that mostly sells hats and leather gloves? And will she be able to stay awake, since she has nowhere to sleep?

Rosemary’s Baby

In this reboot, the devil isn’t inside Rosemary, but in her state and local officials who just voted to ban abortion. Will Rosemary find the financial resources to travel to an abortion clinic in a neighboring state? Or will the cult of conservative white men succeed in restricting her constitutional right?

The Ring

Rachel Keller was supposed to be getting dressed in the morning, but then her friend texted her a link to a video that would supposedly kill her in seven days. Clicking on the link, she finds the YouTube page, Samara’s Amateur Kitchen. Will Rachel find the strength to get up and start her day? Or will she watch cooking videos on her phone until she dies of dehydration?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Less of a reboot and more of a sequel, this film follows the aftermath of the Sawyer family’s killing spree as lone survivor, Sally Hardesty begs state and local officials struggle to respond with common sense chainsaw reform. Will justice be sought in the form incremental progress? Or will elected officials just sit back until the next massacre?

Psycho

Marion Crane spends the night in the Bates Airbnb where she meets Norma Bates, a retiree in need of supplemental income and her unemployed, incel son, Norman. Can Marion figure out how to use Norma’s accessible walk-in tub? And worse, will she feel comfortable sleeping in Norma’s bed while Norma camps out in the living room?

Halloween

Laurie Strode used to love Halloween… until she got too old for trick-or-treating. Then in college, she loved it again… until she graduated and got too old for heavy drinking. Now, watch Laurie Strode catatonically sit through Freeform’s “31 Nights of Halloween” marathon. Can she stay up late enough to catch Hocus Pocus? Or will she pass out during Mike Myers’ So I Married an Ax Murderer?

American Psycho

Exactly the same, but Patrick Bateman is gay, so it’s okay if he’s capitalist.

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