Your therapist is worried. More worried than she was about your behavior during the winter, because the autumn leaves in New Hampshire are your version of a higher power, and during your last visit, you showed up with a bag of swimsuits from Old Navy for a “summer fashion show” pre-swimsuit return season. It was too much whiplash for everyone involved.

So, Dr. Irving Forrest made your sensitive self a playlist.

“Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” by Shania Twain
Yeah! Feminism!

“Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus
Put those hands up! If you want! It may not be the best if you’re having a stressful day and can’t meet with me, you may feel like you strained something if you throw em’ too fast.

“Someone New” by Hozier
Listen, I KNOW we put your love life on hold for the last three appointments but think of it as a fun little game: fall in love, and then move on to a new one for the next three chorus repeats! Like I did before Mrs. Forrest. Emphasis on before.

“Bitch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna
You’re the boss! YOU own THEM. But, I cannot stress enough, please refrain from emailing me this weekend requesting the last amount owed, this song is just for listening, not for reflecting!

“Burning Love” by Elvis Presley
Again, I know romance is off the table, but I honestly am suggesting this classic Elvis tune as a beach day anthem—mostly because I have twin daughters and they have NOT stopped watching Lilo and Stitch. The credits are hours long. My wife won’t throw out our VHS player, and it’s the only tape we have left.

“Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen
My wife has absolutely no input in the work that I do, as the information between the patient and I are private… but I really didn’t know how to help your body image disorder. I am a marriage counselor. I have been used by all of your cousins. The wife suggested a little pick-me-up in music form—dance in the dark! No one will see a thing—that includes an extra belly roll or two! If you’re reading this, honey, I’m not talking about your newest roll!

“Surfin’ U.S.A.” by The Beach Boys
I have now realized the song above, with my note, is the opposite of body positivity, which is not included in my education. Men really are as we say now, useless. Um, so, surfing could be fun! Inside OR outside.

“Soulmate” by Lizzo
I started listening to FM instead of AM, and this new singer called “Lizzo” is amazing!! So new and hip!! Be your OWN soulmate!! Extra fries, before the guys!

“Money” by Cardi B
Little nastier than the Lizzo song, but a fantastic windows-down tune for the car-ride home after summer camp drop off! But, once again… it’s OK to have a few session dues racked up… just don’t have too much fun and get distracted! Totally good though, all good. Just a song!

“Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish
Good thing I turned on KISSFM; this is what could happen if you DO get a guy! Watch out for those teenaged interns. It really is just a song though, and I will not be listening to this station anymore with the wife around, now that I’m saying this out loud to another person.

“Money” by Leikeli47
Finally saw Booksmart with the nieces! Wonderful! I love teenagers when they’re not producing steam from their ears about their relationship with their estranged family turtle. Please listen to this on your way to the bank before our next session; I know you drive a Three-Row Lexus.

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