Bank of America: For Those Who Value Communication
24-hour mobile support? More like a 24-hour heart-to-heart in which the other person literally has to respond to you.
Yelp: For Hookups
Leave a scathing review of the nearest Applebee’s. Meet up at said Applebee’s to argue with the manager. Make passionate angry love in the women’s restroom (the men’s is out of paper towels—note this for next Yelp review).
Uber: For Speed Dating
Sit up front because “you get carsick.” Ask the driver if they have any siblings. If they ask you back, you’re in.
Spotify: For the Modern Equivalent of Sending a Mixtape
Send this playlist to the attractive upstairs neighbor you’ve projected all of your romantic ideals onto:
- “i” – Kendrick Lamar
- “Wannabe” – The Spice Girls
- “Boo’d Up” – Ella Mai
- “With You” – Mariah Carey
Slack: For Those Looking for Future Lawsuits
They say not to shit where you eat but life’s short and mama’s horny. If you’re cool with making the vibe in the office super uncomfortable for everyone else, this one’s a no-brainer.
Calculator App: For a Little “Me Time”
Type 5318008. Flip your phone upside down. What does that spell? Boobies. Masturbate.
Co-Star: For Those Who Want to Get Real
Both of you are experiencing pressure in sex & love? That’s what we call something in common! This horoscope app allows you to get vulnerable FAST because it’s constantly, incessantly telling you everything that’s wrong with you.
Venmo: For “Friends”
Venmo your “just a friend” sixty-nine cents out of the blue. It’s a joke! Unless they’re into it. If they’re not, never do that again.
Twitter: Not For You
Listen up, fellas. Stop using Twitter as a dating app. Twitter is not for dick pics. Twitter is for seeing what Cher is up to and saving the world through very brave retweets.