Weekly funny lists for readers on the go. Quizzes
Despite what you see on the Zoom, I don’t sunburn easily. (When we can't think of a fun fact, my current boss tells us to try a humblebrag.)
Level 1 Boss: Twitter user with American flag emoji in profile / Special Attack: Signature Retweet-and-Comment, usually in form of an OANN headline.
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
I deserve my on-campus mansion. I am enough for my on-campus mansion. No one can take my on-campus mansion from me.
The Secret Service have used anagrams for White House codenames since Hairball Conman (Abraham Lincoln). These are the Trump administration aliases.
Denial: The next box won't be here for another 20 hours. There's still time to eat this week's produce. The avocado is mush, but it's fine for guac.
Did you reach for a pair of jeans, but a security guard asserted, "Please don’t touch the art"? You can't afford it.
Let us sing the cleverest of songs for Trader Joe-San whose punny word play on the Japanese honorific translated to "Mr. Trader Joe."
Say: "I’m getting leather notes and a hint of tobacco." Mean: "I wish I could still watch John Wayne movies unironically."
"Guantanamo," The Beach Boys (2005). This re-make of "Kokomo" failed to rebrand Guantanamo Bay as the Key Largo of military detention facilities.
Leather Jacket – Doesn’t believe in monogamy but has lived with one boyfriend for six years; sleeps with phone on the bed, it has its own pillow.
Goodnight Moon, Good Morning Historical Materialism – Goodnight conflict theory. Goodnight modes of production. Goodnight lumpenproletariat.