Shock: Another box is coming tomorrow? No! No! No! It’s happening again! I better eat what’s left this week. But the lettuce, it’s wilted. The bananas are overripe. The turnip—good god, I think that’s from April! This is the Great Costco Bender of 2018 all over again!

Denial: It’s alright. The next box won’t be here for another 20 hours. There’s still time to eat this week’s produce. The avocado is mush, but it’s fine for guac. I can put the fruit in smoothies! I can put some veg in the smoothies too! Oh, hell yeah, let’s just load the blender up with everything in the box. Is it a smoothie? Is it a soup? Whatever. It’s great. It’s healthy. I am in control of my produce. I am in control of my life. Everything is perfect!

Anger: Goddammit! How have I done this again? I’m an adult! I should be able to eat a weekly allotment of fresh produce! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!

Bargaining: Does anyone really eat 7 to 13 servings of fruit and vegetables per day? I’m going to throw out the old produce, but I promise I will eat all the new produce. Unless there’s any cucumber. Or celery. I’ll eat all the good stuff. All the fruits at least. Maybe not apples. Definitely strawberries though. And bananas if they're just ripe enough—but not if they’re overripe!

Depression: What’s the point? I’m getting Uber Eats. I don’t deserve fresh produce. Let me suppress my misery with Filet O’Fish and cold, flaccid French fries. I’ll use contactless delivery so the driver doesn’t see the shame in my eyes. Deep fried foods are my real friends. They don’t judge me like organic produce.

Reconciliation: I’m upset, but I will recover. I am worthy of produce. Sometimes I can’t eat a bunch of dandelion greens, two pounds of assorted summer squash, a bushel of stone fruits, an ungodly amount of kale, six sweet potatoes, broccoli, Chinese broccoli, broccolini, and rapini in seven days. If I eat most of it, that’s still good.

Acceptance: I’m cancelling my subscription. I’ll just buy produce as needed for the recipes I plan to make. When I never get around to making those recipes I can let it rot in small, manageable batches like a functional adult.


And now a quick joke...

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.