Larry took long walks where he bore a smug, knowing smile as he passed this editor’s house and looked upon the decrepit, unkempt lawn.
I’ve never needed the Pythagorean Theorem for any moment of my life. I’m a million times better off without you, just like I always thought.
You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing do you? If that were true, these blankets wouldn't be so soft and comforting.
1 cup unbleached sadness / ½ cup confidence, ground down until it becomes an unrecognizable powder / 2 heaping handfuls unrealized goals, crushed
Denial: The next box won't be here for another 20 hours. There's still time to eat this week's produce. The avocado is mush, but it's fine for guac.
The Five Stages of Grief for When You’ve Found a Magical Pot of Gold, But Keeping It Means Being Relentlessly Hunted by a Wee Murderous Irishman
DENIAL: Maybe this isn’t even a legitimate cursed pot of money. ANGER: But--fairy fortunes don’t usually come with a blood curse!
HUNGER: They will want to eat something blue, but not blueberries. Blue. JOY: You managed to find food that is their favorite color!
I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.
I present to you The Chef Boyardee Fuckayous, a meal that speaks for many immigrants (like myself) who are being deported from the United States.
Grandpa would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts.
Stages of Grief That You, A Prospective Homeowner, Will Have to Process Before Accepting Your Fate and Becoming a Mole Person
Obsession: Refresh Zillow every three minutes. Ignore texts from your friends. Optimize your meals by blending your food & sipping it from a thermos.
Depression: Did I go too far by putting a puppy on my lap as I hold a guitar? Sure, I don’t know how to play guitar, but she doesn’t know that.