I came to the United States, I shared my incredible food with you, and then I sold it in cans. Sadly, the immigrant dream will no longer be my reality, as I will be deported before your bowl of Spaghetti-Os cool off.

So with revenge being best served on a cold dish, it only makes sense that my last hurrah in the canned pasta industry will not only be something that could appeal to your tastebuds, but will also make a statement that speaks for all immigrants who have contributed to the growth of the United States and have been forced to leave unfairly due to an expired work visa. This is why I present to you The Chef Boyardee Fuckayous, a meal that speaks for many immigrants (like myself) who are being deported from the United States.

The Fuckayous are soft, freshly baked ravioli filled with whatever I find around the factory and/or whatever is coming out of my body given the batch. I'd love to elaborate on what will be inside of the raviolis, but much of it depends on the stage of grief I'm experiencing during the creation process. Such thoughts that will help you identify with my situation will include:

  • Are you curious about the ingredients?
  • Are you afraid of the ingredients?
  • Are you bewildered in regards to what you will be consuming in the event you must eat them?
  • Are you in denial that this is really happening?
  • What have I done to deserve this?
  • What could have I done differently?
  • Are you angry about the possible ingredients?
  • Why does my heart feel as if it's on fire?

Welp, I feel the same way, with all of these emotions being stuffed inside the Fuckayous!

Forget going down like Olive Garden, Taco Bell, or Pizza Hut. Their PACs have already spent money on Trump's re-election and they have the gall to pretend they've created food that originated in the United States. As Mr. Boirardi, I named my food Boyardee in hopes that you people would say my damn name correctly in this country. So if you think I'm one of those immigrants who's going to bring over my fantastic meals and be deported, I can say with complete confidence that you've earned yourself a can of Fuckayous.

Oh yeah, it's worth mentioning that the rollbacks made in what the FDA qualifies as “food fit for consumption” puts you in a position to be in for a real treat! Also, my businesses parent company has donated at least 80 percent of its PAC funding on the Republican party in 2016 and 2018. Yes, I am biting the hand that feeds me and I'm a chef who isn't above food puns. The Fuckayous are punk rock pasta at its best!

So before I part, It's funny to think that I served United States troops my food as they fought during World War 2. That's right, Beefaroni-fueled Nazi killers. Between what has been happening in the United States and the news of my deportation, I hate to think I'm not making food for the good guys anymore and the Fuckayous are right on schedule. The future of the Fuckayous are up to you and arrivederci to everyone else!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.