The Wake

I get that Grandma was trying to have a “final moment” with Grandpa, but if Grandma knew anything about Grandpa it was that he was a pragmatist. And he would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts. Grandma can’t grieve forever. One day she’ll wake up and kick herself for not taking advantage of the very modest floor-length skirts available in both coral and teal.

The Eulogy

Look, the pastor asked if anyone had anything they wanted to say. So excuse me for taking that time to announce that all 4th of July themed Marly Dresses were 30% off. Grandpa loved the 4th of July. I don’t think it in any way dishonors his memory if I give all of his friends and loved ones access to this amazing deal.

The Funeral Procession

Looking back on it, perhaps leaning a rack of Shirley Kimonos against the hearse wasn’t the best move. But with its angel sleeves and flowing silhouette what garment better speaks to the emotional tone of a funeral procession than the kimono? Did the rack of clothes accidentally hinder the loading of the coffin? Yes. Did one of the pallbearers then lose his balance and drop his end of the coffin jostling Grandpa inside? Sure. But I think people missed the larger picture here. A loose kimono, worn alone or layered over a dress, is the perfect garment for those experiencing grief. So if anticipating the needs of my newly widowed grandmother is a crime, then lock me up!

The Three-volley salute

My grandfather was a veteran. And as a veteran, I know he’d appreciate the quality garments sold by this patriotic American company that took advantage of the tax breaks allotted to them by outsourcing their manufacturing to other countries. That very outsourcing allowed them to expand their offerings into men’s clothes where they sell both t-shirts and henleys. And you’d know that if the honour guards hadn’t knocked over my very tasteful display of men’s shirts I had arranged next to the grave.

The Reading of the Will

OK, so I don’t think this one was my fault. The room was set up for a sale. How is Grandpa bequeathing his stamp collection to Aunt Jane all that different from me offering my cousins the opportunity to purchase ultra-soft leggings in a variety of colors and patterns? I am an entrepreneur. An entrepreneur with a garage full of leggings that I need to sell or I’ll be charged full price for. No one yelled at Steve Jobs for building computers in his garage. So I don’t think I should be punished for pointing out that Grandpa’s purple heart would have looked comely on a blue leopard print Harvey jacket.