Please accept our apology that you were offended by our bugle player who started to juggle some bowling pins while waiting to play Taps. We pride ourselves on providing unmatched customer service and treating each funeral in the most dignified manner as possible.

Even though you said you weren’t expecting him to juggle, our contract clearly stated that, “If the ceremony happens to be taking a while, our bugler may begin to juggle bowling pins to help pass the time.” He’s also really skilled at juggling rings and torches, but that can be a bit of overkill.

We assure you that our bugler is extremely professional. He never juggles with some cheap-y plastic bowling pins and always uses the solid wood ones with sparkly decals. Using bargain bowling pins is disrespectful. He also got a lot of attention (which he hates, B.T.W.) so he went to hide behind a nearby bush, which we now know made it look like the bush was juggling.

We agree that juggling at a ceremony like this is no joke, especially when the juggler is so close to the gravesite. The stakes can be quite high, since it would be a major buzzkill if the juggler were to drop one of the pins and have it bounce off the casket. (Another reason to consider a metal casket.)

I noticed you didn’t mention any of the good deeds our bugle player did, especially when he helped pull out 24 other coffins from the back of the hearse like some sort of old-timey circus trick. We save a ton of time and excess fuel costs by transporting up to 24 coffins at once.

Being given the evil eye for juggling was one thing, but it was a little rude when some grieving family members began gasping and saying things like, “Are you kidding me?” as he started honking his oversized bike horn attached to his polka dot pants. This was a shocker to me since I thought it was common knowledge that juggling in silence is bad luck.

Speaking of silence, here’s a fun fact: He’s the most skilled mime in the southeast. I can’t believe you weren’t amazed at how accurately he portrayed grief by mimicking an exaggerated crying gesture with his fists in front of his eyes and then grabbing his heart as if he was shot after the 21-gun salute. Usually that garners compliments, not complaints.

You should see him juggle three bugles while still playing “Taps.” It’s sort of like juggling and trying to eat an apple, but a million times harder.

Several of the family members mentioned that once he finished playing “Taps,” he pulled a unicycle seemingly out of thin air and then, after trying to gain his balance with some exaggerated herky-jerky movements, rode off while still juggling. Which is also not easy to do. As you know, we are very busy these days, and he had to quickly get to another ceremony. And because of the cemetery’s narrow paths, the unicycle is actually rather convenient and not a “gimmicky eye-sore that is making a mockery of an awful day,” like some of your guests have commented.

Lastly, and this surprised us the most, is that there were several complaints about the clown make-up he was wearing. I can see their point because the bright blue hair, red nose, and gigantic lime-green shoes seemed over-the-top, but he was wearing the sad-clown version of his makeup with two carefully drawn-in tears.

I hope this clears up any problems you thought you were experiencing and look forward to earning your business again very soon