1. Does the store have a signature scent sold in bottled and candled form? You can’t afford it.

2. Is the store the size of a Dick’s Sporting Goods, but there are only five racks of clothes? You can’t afford it.

3. Are there no visible price tags but many visible security tags? You can’t afford it.

4. Does the store only sell t-shirts in size “Billie Eilish”? You can’t afford it.

5. Are there rugs on the floor? Like really nice rugs? You can’t afford it.

6. Did you reach for a pair of jeans, but a security guard asserted, “Please don’t touch the art”? You can’t afford it.

7. Does the store sell real fur? You can’t afford it.

8. Does the store proudly sell vegan fur? Sorry, you also can’t afford it.

9. Does the store spell its name like “Thnks fr th Mmrs”? You can’t afford it.

10. When you walked into the store, did they stamp your passport? You can’t afford it.

11. Is the only entrance through the third stall to the left in the men’s room of a Midtown Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse? And once you went through the tunnel, did you arrive at what looks to be a brick wall, only to see one of those bricks be removed from the inside to reveal a shifty set of eyes? Did those shifty eyes ask you a riddle in a nondescript accent that ends with “well then the password you must speak”? If so, you can’t afford it.

12. Finally, is it AllSaints? Yeah, you can’t afford it.


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