A Hoodie with Fur  —  Carries weed gummies to the airport in her miniature backpack; can still do a back handspring.

A Jean Jacket  – Will send a cosmopolitan back if it’s the wrong shade of pink; has never set foot in a Lady Foot Locker.

A Black Hoodie  – In jail for cybercrime; briefly worked on Wall Street; can use Excel.

Trench Coat  – Married a British person; often uses the word “flabbergasted” incorrectly; says she speaks French but has really just watched Amelie twice.

Bomber Jacket  – Works in marketing; thinks it’s still cool to say things are “trill”; always hungover at work on Monday; has been stuck in the jacket for three weeks due to a broken zipper.

Leather Jacket  –  Doesn’t believe in monogamy but has lived with her one boyfriend for six years, they have a poodle; sleeps with her phone on the bed, it has its own pillow.

Faux Fur Coat  —  Stills owns a DVR; drinks 5-hour energy with breakfast; calls her mother by her first name, it’s Barb.

Ski Coat  — Posts hiking photos on Instagram every weekend but can’t run a mile; gives vegan cookie dough to her family for the holidays.

Corduroy Button-Down  — Lives on a farm with her “sisters,” who are definitely just her husbands’ “other” wives; has taken ayahuasca; dislikes quinoa.

Jean Jacket with Fake Sherpa Fur  — Has two Motorola flip phones; has done stand-up comedy twice; likes quinoa.

Peacoat —  Grandmother is named Annette and lives in Paris; has dated three different guys named Chris; took sorority board member position a little too seriously junior year.

Varsity Jacket  — Still talks about when her boyfriend threw the winning touchdown senior year, she’s 35; posts live stories on Facebook; will stab a waiter if they serve her quinoa.

Poncho — Has never eaten cheese; has eight kids, one is named “Temperature.”