• Tracing your hand to make a turkey
  • A woman who could write her own name
  • Doing the “got your nose” thing
  • Sweating, when it is not yet summer
  • Correcting people’s grammar
  • Saying “have fun” when someone says they have to go to the bathroom
  • Seductively unbuckling one of the buckles on your left shoe
  • Eating Devil’s food cake
  • Coming into contact with a yarmulke
  • Arguing against the obvious flatness of the Earth
  • Two words: shadow puppets
  • Offering to thatch someone’s roof
  • Cankles
  • Complaining about a nice, healthy leeching
  • An unstarched bonnet
  • Reading for pleasure
  • Implying that you’ve just taken a shower NAKED
  • Stepping on a praying mantis, thereby stopping it from praying
  • Shaving your sideburns too high, thus exposing too much supple cheek-flesh
  • Making exact change
  • Having more than four buckles on your clothing ensemble, or on the other hand, having FEWER than four buckles
  • Moaning with pleasure after eating a delicious meal
  • Suggesting that the land you live on be given back to the Indigenous people who lived there first
  • Ventriloquism
  • Teaching your dog to roll over (FOR SATAN?)
  • Writing Cotton Mather fanfiction
  • Eating hot peppers, and then NOT acknowledging that they are in fact hot
  • Referring to someone named Richard by the more colloquial nickname “Dick”
  • Acne
  • Saying, “You DO realize that these ‘witch hunts’ are all just a toxic stew of family feuds and church politics, all of which is taking place in an absence of genuine political authority?”
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