- Tracing your hand to make a turkey
- A woman who could write her own name
- Doing the “got your nose” thing
- Sweating, when it is not yet summer
- Correcting people’s grammar
- Saying “have fun” when someone says they have to go to the bathroom
- Seductively unbuckling one of the buckles on your left shoe
- Eating Devil’s food cake
- Coming into contact with a yarmulke
- Arguing against the obvious flatness of the Earth
- Two words: shadow puppets
- Offering to thatch someone’s roof
- Cankles
- Complaining about a nice, healthy leeching
- An unstarched bonnet
- Reading for pleasure
- Implying that you’ve just taken a shower NAKED
- Stepping on a praying mantis, thereby stopping it from praying
- Shaving your sideburns too high, thus exposing too much supple cheek-flesh
- Making exact change
- Having more than four buckles on your clothing ensemble, or on the other hand, having FEWER than four buckles
- Moaning with pleasure after eating a delicious meal
- Suggesting that the land you live on be given back to the Indigenous people who lived there first
- Ventriloquism
- Teaching your dog to roll over (FOR SATAN?)
- Writing Cotton Mather fanfiction
- Eating hot peppers, and then NOT acknowledging that they are in fact hot
- Referring to someone named Richard by the more colloquial nickname “Dick”
- Acne
- Saying, “You DO realize that these ‘witch hunts’ are all just a toxic stew of family feuds and church politics, all of which is taking place in an absence of genuine political authority?”
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