In Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals, Michael Jordan led the Chicago Bulls to a surprising victory over the Utah Jazz while suffering from “flu-like symptoms.” It was an accomplishment, sure. But I've achieved similar, if not more impressive feats while working at my job that have gone unnoticed. I deserve credit for…
– Sneezing on my coworker's face and not apologizing. While residing at my cubicle I couldn’t find a tissue and my coworker’s face was the most convenient alternative. The sneeze itself felt great and not apologizing for being sick felt better.
– Vomiting everywhere and refusing to stop my PowerPoint presentation, even after my boss insisted I go home because it seemed like I had “severe food poisoning.”
– Processing all invoices on my desk while my boss lectured me on “eating too many microwaved oyster and pastrami sandwiches at work.” I ate all six of them immediately after he went back to work.
– Answering every email I received within an hour while dealing with crippling back pain and a torn Achilles from trying to dunk on my 6'8″ coworker as he presented HIS PowerPoint.
– Meeting my monthly quota after my fingers and legs went numb from living, what my family and coworkers called, a “destructive lifestyle.”
– Impressing an intern with my client communication skills while spitting up blood in front of clients and said intern.
– Fixing the printer while screaming to Mary about how the fried pancakes, beer, and Oreo sandwich I ate for breakfast was causing an excruciating bowel obstruction.
– Fixing the coffee maker while continuing to scream from the break room to Mary's office about how I really think I made a mistake with the daily fried pancake sandwich regimen.
– Successfully cleaning up the coffee I spilled everywhere as green ooze seeped out of my head, spilled on the ground, and burned through the floor.
– Arriving early to work while still hooked up to my IV and catheter after outrunning the nurses and doctors who, while giving chase, told me never to remove my surgical mask or it could mean the “end of civilization” or something.
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