“Your man bag matches your belt which matches your watch strap which matches your shoes.”

“My girlfriends thought you were really confident.”

“Is he your junior guy?”

“I’m impressed you went back to the office after your holiday party and created finance’s first ever +COUNTIF(INDEX(MATCH(SUMIFS formula. For Christmas I got you Turbo-Charged Macros because a man like you deserves it!”

“You’re thriving in this Zuckerberg beta male era.”

“It’s probably not worth your time to call your grandparents—everything has an opportunity cost.”

“I'm so glad you got upgraded to Economy Plus for the flight home to see your parents in Michigan. Take me away in your free checked bag!”

“Your swim trunks are not too short or too long.”

“Babe, I agree with you. Your father is Microsoft Word-strangely distant in your life: you thought you’d be seeing more of him, but you haven’t.”

“If your prognostication about a pending recession proves true, I have faith you’ll be among the few who can still afford bottle service.”

“It must take incredible fortitude to only eat between 12pm-6pm, then drink six Ketel One and sodas, 3 shots of Patrón, a Jack and diet, and four maintain-the-buzz Bud Lights; no wonder you’re so ripped.”

“I love how determined you are when you model out the permutations in your fantasy football lineup every Tuesday night and let me have wine time on the couch. And how on Wednesdays, you use Excel to model out how much time you should spend with the analysts to generate maximum productivity from them. And on Thursdays, how you update your brunch-price-per-Yelp-star spreadsheet so you can determine whether it’s more advantageous to spend $35 on a 4-star boozy brunch or $50 at a 5-star. (Is the incremental star really worth $15?) I’m a cool girl and don’t mind that you’re spending so much time at night with Excel. I’m v chill.”

“You’re the tallest guy at work (and the hottest), maybe you should get a standing desk so you and Excel can see eye to eye.”

“You and Excel are soooo similar: you’re intuitive, you’re rational, clean cut, and constantly iterating.”

“I can totally see why you’ve gotten back with ex-girlfriend, Microsoft Excel; she can do what no mortal woman can: update into a younger, more efficient model every three years. I guess we should get a divorce and I’ll take half of your assets (assets = liability + equity). Not all joint ventures work out and change is inevitable.”


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