—Donald Trump, Twitter, 3/22/20

Problem: Coronavirus
Cure: Non-essential business closed and daily life halted in an effort to “flatten the curve” and prevent overcrowded hospitals.
Worse Problem: Boeing stockholders forced to use third vacation home as an Airbnb to recoup their hypothetical market losses.

Problem: Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
Cure: Better working conditions and shorter hours to prevent this from happening again in America.
Worse Problem: Shirtwaist production at an all-time low!

Problem: Vaping
Cure: FDA restricts sales to minors and bans flavored vapes.
Worse Problem: Fewer “Sicko Mode Vape Trick Compilation” videos posted on YouTube.

Problem: The Great Depression
Cure: FDR’s New Deal
Worse Problem: Novelty bankruptcy barrel industry almost entirely wiped out as soon as Americans earned enough money to buy actual clothes.

Problem: Global Warming
Cure: Global commitment to minimizing greenhouse gases, using renewable energy, and opting for sustainable methods of transportation.
Worse Problem: Leonardo DiCaprio forced to fly commercial with the normies.

Problem: Tea Act of 1773
Cure: Political protest, specifically the Boston Tea Party.
Worse Problem: Centuries of Bostonians raised under the pretense that throwing things is more effective at getting what you want than using words.

Problem: Polio
Cure: Jonas Salk’s polio vaccination.
Worse Problem: Finding out your favorite celebrity thinks vaccines are worse than polio.

Problem: Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill
Cure: Containment booms deployed to prevent oil from reaching shores.
Worse Problem: Spring Break totally ruined.

Problem: Extinction of Sumatran Rhinoceros
Cure: Southern African countries make poaching and slaughtering of rhinoceros illegal.
Worse Problem: Donald Trump Jr. didn’t get to do everything he wanted on his South African vacation.

Problem: Israel-Palestine Conflict
Cure: None yet.
Worse Problem: Might as well not put in the effort on this one! Any cure would certainly be worse than the problem.