Aquaman

The one true protector of the deep relocates from Atlantis to the Bay Area to found MyCatch™, an app that gives people the ability to purchase exotic seafood on-demand, directly from the ocean. When pressed on whether that’s a moral use of his ability to communicate with marine life, he responds, “Beeblooueeii eeeeh shgladegi me-ei-ei-ei do” which, when translated from fish-speak, states, “The most moral thing we can do in life is create value for our shareholders.”

Superman

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to construct luxury buildings in a single bound, making him the most powerful contributor to Metropolis’s rampant gentrification problem. If you look up in the sky and happen to see him carrying an old lady as he soars through the air like a bird or a plane, he’s not rescuing her. He’s evicting her.

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman utilizes her Amazonian strength and Lasso of Industrialism (formerly of Truth) to mass produce her now patented Invisible Airplane. While revolutionary, Invisible Airways has become synonymous with price gouging on common items like invisible peanuts, invisible headsets and invisible in-flight entertainment. Employees of IA have filed numerous complaints around the dangers of working with heavy machinery that they’re unable to see, but they’ve all been buried by the Justice League, Wonder Woman’s team of anti-union lawyers.

Spiderman

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can. Which in Peter Parker’s case, involves using his ability to sense danger and make quick escapes via wrist webs to avoid the IRS. In order to fuel his lavish Manhattan socialite lifestyle, the once friendly neighborhood Spiderman has become the head of a multi-million dollar tax fraud scheme. Uncle Ben’s dying wish that Peter Parker use his great power with great responsibility has become a vague and distant memory.

Professor X

Professor Charles Xavier, leader of the X-Men and Dean of the Xavier Institute, raises tuition from zero dollars to eighty thousand dollars per year, forcing young and naive mutants to unknowingly take on insurmountable sums of mutant-debt. What’s worse, the X-Men has become a glorified internship that doesn’t provide the benefits necessary to protect its young employees from occupational hazards including third degree laser burns and adamantium poisoning.

Captain America

Steve Rogers is elected President of the United States on the back of the Captain America brand and a strong, borderline hateful Anti-Thanos platform. In just one term, the Rogers Administration manages to create one of the country’s worst recessions, allocating 100% of the budget to the defense against literal alien invasions and, despite the fact that he’s been dead for 76 years, Hitler. Regardless, President Captain America maintains record high approval ratings.

Iron Man

Tony Stark, CEO of Stark Enterprises—the world’s most prolific arms manufacturer—does nothing differently.


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