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Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”

“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”

Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees

“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.

Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.

Magicians don’t retire, they become disillusioned.

Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.

Assistant: I’m here to help!
Boss: I’m here to make sure you help!

Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.

“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer

People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.

A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.

Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.

Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.

If you're happy and you know it overthink it until you're not sure anymore.

That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”

Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.

No matter how well read you are, there’s always someone weller read.

I called tech support for my quantum computer. They told me to turn it both on and off simultaneously.