One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a Joke
There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.
Non sequitur? I hardly know her.
I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.
It's not my fault I say dumb things. It's in my D&A.
A small centaur can have two ponytails.
Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.
If you ever show your friends a picture of your crush, and you have to say, “Let me find a better picture of them,” it means they're ugly.
LOST: Maze builder. Last seen on way to work.
People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.
“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.
If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.
What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?
My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.
When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.
Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.
Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”
“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”
STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.
People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”
Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.