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We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.