One-liners, observations, deep thoughts, tinylists, and anecdotes. Submit a joke »
I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.
I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.
My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…
He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.
How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?
If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.
I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.
The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.
I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”
Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.
I want to write a novel about Schrödinger’s Cat, but I don't know if there's a story there or not.
I’m a mnmlst.
A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”
After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.
“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.
I used to do a lot of Shakespeare in the park, or, as the Chicago Police like to call it, “Drunk and Disorderly Conduct.”
This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”
Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?
I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.
My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.