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The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?
Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.
“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”
Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.
Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.
🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵
Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.
Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.