Sarah Palin murdered a 9-year-old girl in Arizona the other day. It's true. I read it on CNN. The 9-year-old girl was born on September 11th, 2001, which was a day that will live in infamy and which we will not forget. She was already interested in politics, she loved her parents, and sometimes, during the winter and summer solstice, she would eat apple pie and excrete Fourth of July fireworks. Her death is a tragedy and Grizzly Mama is very clearly evil.

Sarah Palin firing a semi-automatic rifle
Handy with the steel. Kooky with the words.
Sarah Palin murdered a 63-year-old man in Arizona the other day. It's true. I read it on The Hollywood Reporter. The 63-year-old judge was well known for battling for the civil rights of illegal immigrants. He loved all people and believed that America was the greatest country in the world and therefore, it behooved us to treat our illegals with the same basic rights that are applied to us. He even knew Spanish. His death is a tragedy and Mama Griswold is a heartless murderess.

Sarah Palin murdered a 30-year-old man in Arizona the other day. It's true. I read it on The man was engaged to be married, and president of a community outreach program. On certain calm nights, he would croon in a voice that sounded like homemade ice cream makes your taste buds feel. Sometimes, if he had the energy, he would walk disabled peoples' dogs for them. His death is super sad and Gristle Chick is totally to blame.

There is a knee-jerk reaction in this country and in our collective psyche every time a tragedy occurs. Sarah Palin shot and seriously injured Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford. It's true. Keith Olbermann told me so. Congresswoman Gifford was shot in the head. The gunman was a 22-year-old male who was more than likely schizophrenic and who never once had contact with Sarah Palin. But you see, it is a known fact that rhetoric produces results. That's why President Obama has produced so much change for the world; it's also why the Jets are playing such good football (Rex Ryan is the most motivational of motivational speakers).

Sarah Palin poster with gun sites over Congresspeople
You see, you don't have to actually kill someone in this country to be accused of murder. All you have to do is say something like, "I have that person in my sights" and then BAMMO, schizophrenic people all across the country start shooting at 9-year-old girls. Mama Grizzled Bore knows that better than anyone. She is, after all, one of the top 9,000 minds in Alaska.

Now, there is a knee-jerk reaction in this country and in our collective psyche every time a tragedy occurs. We want justice. We bleed for a fairer and truer world and of course nothing makes that easier than having someone to blame. Sometimes it is impossible for us to understand that the world simply has evil in it, that people sometimes do crazy and twisted and messed up stuff for reasons we cannot fathom nor entertain. We seek out people to blame, not only for the monstrous acts, but also for the monster. As if there's some way to prevent another Jared Lee Loughner simply by avoiding the use of harsh rhetoric.

It's very easy to hate Sarah Palin for no other reason than her being an aggressive twat hiding under a self-righteous veneer. But really, I mean come on: this is like blaming Jodie Foster for John Hinckley Jr. It's just a stupid accusation that doesn't even have the slimmest of circumstantial evidence, and it's unfair not only to Sarah Palin (who can just deal as far as I'm concerned) but to the murdered victims, their families, and the collective intelligence of the citizenry of the United States.

In conclusion, Sarah Palin and Jodie Foster killed my dog and I demand reparations.