For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, "I love you." Those three little words in that sequence seem to have so much meaning and so much impact on the heart, soul, and actions of the chicas upon whose breasts I ejaculate that I just figured the best thing to do was avoid the term altogether (the words, not the breasts) and/or only use it sarcastically when my girl fucks up. (For example: she says, "I'm sorry I wrecked your car," and I respond with, "I love you babe," and in this fashion she learns to hate it when I say it. That was my old trick. I was totally wrong.)

'I love you very much' mugTo girls, all the flowers and all the orgasms and all the candy and all the shiny baubles in the whole stupid world just cannot compare to you verbalizing the fact that you feel about them the way they feel about you. Plus, it's cheaper, easier, and less time consuming than, you know, actually showing a bitch that you care.

And, because I am months behind on my list quota, here are a few bolded reasons followed by bolder explanations as to why it is important to say "I love you" even if you don't fucking mean it.

I can't believe I'm writing this down. You people owe me for this. Seriously, the least you can do is download my book.

"I Love You" Ends Arguments

In this way, she feels like she has a VIP pass to an alcohol-coated chunk of muscle beneath my chest that I call a heart.I don't care what you're arguing about: driving directions, the designated hitter rule (this comes up in my relationships way more than you probably think I think you think), the health benefits of hard salami, where your relationship is "going" (to chicks, the word relationship apparently is a vessel that can transport tomatoes or something), you can end them all with the simple sentence: "Baby, I love you. Just let me have this." And it works way better than my old line, "Please stop being stupid."

"I Love You" Justifies Insanity

Did you just put a hole through a wall? Did you just attack a waiter with a pepper grinder because he put fruit in your beer for the second goddamn time even though you told him that you've killed people for less? Did you just spend thirty minutes trying to see how many pieces of ice you could throw in your mouth from three feet above your head in an attempt to beat your personal record for ice catching? Well, you are completely insane. And she saw it. And she's probably questioning her reason for being seen out in public with you. But when you look over to her, wipe the waiter's blood off your hand, kiss her on the cheek and say, "I love you" in a tone reserved for consoling a hurt child, and she'll just shrug and look over at her friends, other bar patrons, innocent bystanders, et al, smile and say, "What can I do? We're in love."

"I Love You" Works Great in Apologies

So you fucked her friend, so you stood her up, so you used her car to procure illegal narcotics and got her a parking ticket in the process; whatever you did, "I'm sorry" never seems to cut it. But, "I'm sorry, baby. You know I would never want to intentionally or even unintentionally hurt the only woman I've ever loved. I mean, I just love you so much," well then, all is pretty much forgiven.

"I Love You" Makes You Seem Sensitive

This is my favorite thing about my new friend, "I love you." "I love you" can make the most insensitive, uncaring and flat out coldhearted bastard seem like Fred Rogers with better hair, nicer abs, and no penchant for sweaters. You see, for every rude, idiotic and outlandish thing I do (otherwise known as: my personality), the fact that she knows that I love her makes her understand that I really and truly am a sensitive guy, it's just that only she can see it. In this way, she feels like she has a VIP pass to an alcohol-coated chunk of muscle beneath my chest that I call a heart. So, even though I am like other guys (an asshole) and even though women are always attracted to those kind of guys (assholes), she can tell all her friends and anyone within earshot that, "He's not like that with me." So now, not only is she happily in love, she is also a special member that is the private club that makes up those that can see the good in me (which is more illusion than reality but fuck truth; we're trying to stay sexually satisfied here so truth can go fuck itself).

So basically, I want every guy reading this to understand that "I love you" is nothing to be scared of. "I love you" is your friend. It is your get out of jail card, your Visa card, your Valentine's Day card and your savior in times of need.

So men, don't be afraid to say "I love you" all the time even if you don't mean it. The words work, and in this struggling economy, anything that works is welcome by me.

Even if it is total bullshit.


How to Write Funny Black Friday Bundle Sale
Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

More Like This