Congratulations on the purchase of your new Weighted Blanket!
Did you know that seventy percent of people have trouble falling asleep at night? And that 100 percent of those who are trapped in the gig economy compare their lives to others' on social media? And that people stuck in the perpetually horrifying cycle of news suffer from both?
The Weighted Blanket is here to help.
The Weighted Blanket is intended to be used like a regular blanket, but its density and weight (three times that of an average blanket!) is engineered to press your body and release serotonin, guaranteeing a restful night without stress and anxiety.
How will I know if the blanket is working?
Do you feel calmer? Do you feel like it’s easier to make eye contact and smile? Can you smile and make eye contact at the same time? If yes, then congratulations: it is working!
Can I combine my Weighted Blanket, SAD lamp, and Xanax all at once?
Yes! However, we don’t recommend this. Many will find your joie de vivre unsettling. You will lose friends. You will also inevitably lose at an online casino.
My parents got me this as a housewarming gift but I still live with them. Does this mean they want me to move out?
Yes.
If I ever end up in a meaningful relationship can this blanket be shared between couples?
At this time, we only make blankets for one. However, many find that the emotional labor of a relationship is enough to make them feel weighed down at night.
My blanket cured my insomnia. I slept for a week straight, I can’t feel my limbs, and now I’ve lost my job. Is your company hiring?
While we're not hiring at this time let us be the first to congratulate you on a restful sleep! You should regain movement in your limbs in 4-6 weeks.
I just watched Truffaut’s 400 Blows and feel more ennui than anxiety. Does my blanket speak French?
Bien sûr! We believe that, like math, crippling anxiety about the future is the same in all languages.
Sometimes I feel like my gravity blanket is crying. Is this possible?
Yes. In our extensive testing, we found that some of our products can absorb the feelings of users. Occasional stifled sobs as well as nervous twitches in the fabric are not unusual. You can return your blanket for a replacement, but this can bring undue stress on the blanket causing it to feel abandoned.
I’ve just flipped between CNN, MSNBC and Fox News for 24 hours. My blanket has absorbed too many of my feelings and is now sentient and feels its own anxiety and stress. What should I do?
Try turning off the television. Offer your blanket some tea and a lavender scented eye mask. If this doesn’t work, you can buy an additional Weighted Blanket for your blanket.
Help! I am trapped under my blanket.
Do not panic. Stay calm. Breathe in, breathe out. I feel like you’re still panicking. This is a blanket designed to stop panic, anxiety, and worry of the futility of your life, so try to remain still. Good. Now that you are calming down, try not to think about being trapped forever with only your thoughts. I feel like you are still panicking. This really isn’t going to work if you keep panicking.
I tried not panicking but then my blanket started talking about all the things that have happened this year. Then the blanket started showing me pictures of my failed relationships and reminding me about all the hopes I had for my life that I never really followed through on. I feel stressed.
Good thing you have a stress-reducing blanket! Try resting under your blanket for the night.
I am still trapped under my blanket because my blanket says it doesn’t want to be left alone.
Excellent! You and your blanket are a perfect match, as being alone is one of the major causes of your anxiety. Now you know you have something that will never leave your side and never stop pinning you to the bed!
I am getting rid of this blanket and just hiding under my sheets.
We're sorry to hear that you are dissatisfied with our product. Unfortunately, we do not offer refunds for used or sentient products. Thanks for your purchase!