“From the stage, [Trump] asked: ‘Who do you like more, the country or Hispanics?' … ‘I don’t know. I may have to go for the Hispanics, to be honest with you. We got a lot of Hispanics.'”  —NBC News

ROUND 1

The Country: Gave us Major League Baseball

The Hispanics: Gave us Big Papi

Winner: The Hispanics

Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 1

ROUND 2

The Hispanics: Gave us guac.

The Country: Put peas in it.

Winner: The Hispanics

Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 2

ROUND 3

The Country: Gave us capitalism.

The Hispanics: Gave us gorgeous beaches and currencies that are lower than the dollar as a direct result of US intervention thereby creating destinations where those who benefit the most off of the labor of others can take a nice beach vaycay for cheap!

Winner: Iberostar

Score: Country 0 – Hispanics 2

ROUND 4

The Hispanics: Gave us Despacito.

The Country: Gave Justin Bieber a verse in it.

Winner: Everyone wins. It’s Despacito.

Score: Country 1 – Hispanics 3

ROUND 5

The Country: Gave us Pop Star Bruno Mars

The Hispanics: Gave us baby Bruno Mars (he has Puerto Rican and Philippine ancestry)

Winner: The Country

Score: Country 2 – Hispanics 3

ROUND 6

The Hispanics: Gave us cocaine

The Country: Made it marketable.

Winner: Wall Street Bros

Score: The Country 2 – Hispanics 3

ROUND 7

The Country: Constantly in fear of being “invaded” by Hispanics.

The Hispanics: Constantly in fear of being invaded by the Country.

Winner: The DOD budget and Latin American dictators

Score: The Country 2 – Hispanics 3

ROUND 8

The Hispanics: Gave us paletas

The Country: Gave us Dippin’ Dots

Winner: The Country, duh.

Score: The Country 3 – Hispanics 3

ROUND 9

The Hispanics: Feeling weird? Go to church.

The Country: Feeling weird? Go to therapy.

Winner: Big Pharma and The Vatica

Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 3

ROUND 10

The Country: The Oscars

The Hispanics: Oscar Isaac

Winner: The Hispanics

Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 4

ROUND 11

The Hispanics: Get consistently accused of being rapists.

The Country: Wouldn’t prosecute them even if it were true.

Winner: Boys being boys.

Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 4

ROUND 12

The Country: Constantly debating the scope and impact of its racist past in an attempt to seek equality.

The Hispanics: Eh?

Winner: The Country

Score: The Country 4 – The Hispanics 4

ROUND 11

The Country: Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashli, Ashly, Ashllie

The Hispanics: Maria, María, Mariana, María Luisa, María Paula

Winner: No. Points deduction to both.

Score: The Country 3 – The Hispanics 3

ROUND 10 — TIE-BREAKER

The Hispanics: Are not actually a monolith but several cultural groups derived from a loosely shared geographical point of origin and ancestry. They are, regardless of their current location, working in consistent and painstaking pursuit of their dreams– trying to make life better for the generations that follow.

The Country: Is not actually a monolith but a geographical location that contains people from many cultural backgrounds who live together in the consistent and painstaking pursuit of their dreams– trying to make life better for the generations that follow.

Winner: Everyone. If we all can get our shit together.

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