Last Tuesday, I went to the creepy pawn shop in the bad part of town. The one with fake snowmen painted on its front window all year long. I had some extra money in my pocket and wanted to spend it on something truly different.

Right away, I saw the wooden, dead eyes of a ventriloquist dummy looking at me from the corner of the shop. I bought it, of course, but when I took it home, I quickly learned that it wasn’t haunted.

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was.

The ventriloquist dummy has a series of tiny cracks across its lifeless, wooden face. Its pupils have faded with time, leaving only large, white eyes that seem to follow you across the room. There’s a single pentagram carved into the sole of its left shoe. And for some reason, the dummy is completely devoid of any demonic spirits or unearthly creatures.

When I slid my hand into its silk-lined innards, I didn’t feel any jolt of electricity. When I started moving its mouth in a series of Borsch belt one-liners, it didn’t suddenly come alive and threaten my family. When I left it alone in my office, it didn’t mysteriously change locations when no one was looking. It did nothing!

For the last few days, I’ve tried to do everything in my power to get it to reveal some sort of unholy entity.

  • I placed a Ouija board in its lap. Nothing!
  • I positioned it next to the cremated remains of my anti-Semitic grandfather. Nothing!
  • I “accidentally” cut my finger on a corkscrew and allowed three drops of my own blood to fall onto its little foot. Still nothing!

I’m starting to get frustrated. I haven’t lost hope completely, though. I keep checking the morning papers, looking for articles on any mysterious disappearances in my general vicinity, but if nothing happens in the next week, I’m going to have to get rid of the stupid thing.

Now, I know the pawn shop has a strict no-returns policy on ventriloquist dummies, but I’m sure that if I explain my unique situation, the cashier would make an exception. After all, what’s the use of a creepy ventriloquist dummy that isn’t alive with the spirit of a long-dead murderer?