Dear Star Wars Superfan:
On behalf of everybody who has worked on a Star Wars film since the Walt Disney corporation acquired the rights to the franchise, let me just say “Sorry.” We’re very sorry that you didn’t care for any or all of the films Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, Star Wars: The Last Jedi, or Solo: A Star Wars Story.
We spent billions on obtaining the rights to make these films, and similarly spared no expense to expand the magical and remarkable universe first conceived by George Lucas more than 40 years ago. Owing to the enduring popularity of the first Star Wars films, released from 1977 through 1983, we took the subject matter very seriously and did our best to ensure that we made fun and entertaining movies we hoped everyone would like, particularly the most outspoken and therefore best fans of the franchise.
But we heard you loud and clear. The most devoted of fans, the ones who have spent years asking for and yearning for more Star Wars movies, did not like the new Star Wars movies, and you did not like them one bit. Our hearts break at the thought of how your hearts broke when the movies did not match up to the ideas you had in your brain of what they were supposed to be. Though you are not a filmmaker and had no role in the creation or execution of the Star Wars mythos, that surely must have made it even harder for you, because you’re a person who liked the thing in the ‘70s.
Should we have cast a person of color in The Force Awakens, or employed three female characters in The Last Jedi, or not cast a digitally-de-aged Harrison Ford in favor of an actual human actor in Solo? No, we shouldn’t have, and for these grave miscalculations—or sins—we are truly sorry. We were just trying to make a good movie that everyone could enjoy, and we never meant to hurt your feelings. We feel we may have even ruined your childhood. We are no better than kidnappers or those border agents who separated families, or the cancer that killed your dad. No better!
Your negative reaction left us at the Disney Star Wars offices in a quandary. We had so many more movies planned, but now we have to completely rethink our approach to them. We’ve decided to scrap a film about young Obi-Wan Kenobi, as well as a Boba Fett side adventure, and a Lando Calrissian spinoff starring Donald Glover. We just want to prove that we’re listening…to you, the proud, brave, and truest fans, the ones who are not afraid to loudly hate the thing you love.
We’ve figured out the best way to proceed with the Star Wars saga that will please even the most discriminating Star Wars fans who were children when the original Star Wars movies were first released. We understand that what you really want is Star Wars, but also for it to be 1977 again. You want the same feelings of wonder and escape that you got watching Star Wars for the first time in 1977. That said, the next Star Wars movie will consist of old home movie footage of you playing with Star Wars toys in your backyard. We have the films your dad took of you playing with your Luke Skywalker action figure and your Millennium Falcon play-set. Remember your dad? He was great, wasn’t he? He bought you those toys.
Every detail will be perfect. The light saber sounds will be the light saber sounds you made with your mouth. Chewbacca will sound just like he did to you as a child because he will be voiced by you, doing the Chewbacca grunts while you played, that was captured on those home movies. Also, no minorities, no women, and no new characters, settings, or themes. Just Star Wars, the way you want it: how you personally consumed it when you were a child.
Now that all that’s settled, we at Disney can get back to more important matters, like ruining the Muppets.