Hello, and welcome to Bone & Kibble. Have you dined with us before? No? Well, you’re in for a T-R-E-A-T.

We do things a bit differently, and we can afford to do things differently because the U.S. Department of Labor has no laws against putting dogs to work. As you may know, restaurants have a hard time turning a profit because greedy employees want a living wage. So, when our founder saw a gap in the market for canine-staffed restaurants that aren’t legally required to pay their employees, he drove straight to the pound.

In traditional restaurants, you may feel societal pressure to treat your waiters with human decency, but there’s no pressure here. We encourage you to treat our waiters like the hounds they are. Barking demands won’t be condescending because you’ll be speaking their language. Dogs don’t care about manners, so there is absolutely no need to say “please” or “thank you”—not that you were going to anyway.

You may notice a few ways in which Bone & Kibble is unique. There are no designated sections, and your waiter may vary throughout your experience based on who most recently marked your table with their piss. This is how they mark their territory. If you approach a table and the waiter who’s near it snarls at you, please select another one.

All of our furniture is one-of-a-kind. Both the tables and chairs are from IKEA, but no two are scratched and gnawed alike. Additionally, our new menus are printed each night. Not because we have seasonal specials, but because the bite marks render them illegible.

Our dog waiters carry all trays and dishes with their mouths. We request your patience, as this method is neither efficient nor sanitary. Speaking of sanitary violations, please excuse the overwhelming smell of dog shit. The staff was locked in cages overnight, and in an act of petty retaliation, a bartender relieved himself in the A/C grate, giving the air a tinge of doggy doo-doo.

When your food is dropped at your table, your dog waiter will nuzzle your leg and start whining. Time for some food motivated training! Sternly instruct them to “sit.” If they listen, give them a nibble of your dinner. If they continue whining or put their paws on the table, however, please use our complimentary rolled-up newspaper. Swat their nose and say “BAD!” It’s the only way our waiters learn. If your dog is well-behaved throughout the entire meal, reward them with belly rubs, “good boys,” and french fries. Most of our staff are younger pups who need a lot of training, so don’t be afraid to be vocal throughout your dining experience.

Once you’ve finished your meal, please fling your plate across the room like a frisbee. One of our waiters will catch it in midair and bring it back to you. If the dish you receive your food on looks dirty, it’s because we still haven’t found out a way to get the dirty ones back to the dishwasher, but every restaurant has its kinks. If the dish bonks their nose and shatters on the ground—don’t feel bad. Some dogs just don’t have good depth perception due to inbreeding done to perpetuate dog beauty standards, so it’s not exactly your fault, but it is society’s fault.

You’re in luck if you’re bad at math or you despise tipping people for their labor since dogs’ walnut-sized brains don’t get the concept of money. If you do feel inclined to throw them a bone, there’s a Petco down the block.

Thank you for visiting Bone & Kibble, please leave us a Yelp review if you enjoyed your time. We sincerely hope to see your wallets again before PETA finds out about us.