Dear YouTube User TrutherKn0wledge1:
Congratulations, you did it.
Every one of your purported conspiracy theories on YouTube is absolutely correct.
That’s the good news. The bad news? You, specifically, are the reason why we have been conspiring.
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We knew you, and you alone, had been bestowed with the unmatched intellect to bring down our secret organization. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.
The Assassination of JFK (1963, age 5)
Did this happen because the 35th president of the United States was tied up in organized crime? Good guess, but the truth is we knew that November 22, 1963 would also be the day your pet dog Tito would die. We conspired with the CIA to assassinate Kennedy because we wanted your first experience with death to be eclipsed by a grieving nation.
How did we know Tito would die that day? We were driving the car.
The Moon Landing (1969, age 11)
Faked! We brought in Stanley Kubrick to produce a “moon landing” because we had been tracing your Children’s Library checkout history. Our analysis revealed your love of space and engineering, and we figured a “moon landing” would inspire you to become a real-life astronaut. It worked!
Next, we just had to destroy your ambition. Your freshman year of high school we set up that outdoor screening of 2001: A Space Odyssey in your neighborhood. Remember that guy who handed you your first joint and a Grateful Dead t-shirt? Yep, that was us. To seal the deal, we placed symbols inside your high school to brainwash you into pursuing a college degree in theatre.
New Coke (1985-2002, age 27-44)
While we enjoyed watching you not become an astronaut as a stoned-out Deadhead, we wanted something with more immediate results. Did the most popular soda in the world change their formula so the public would demand the original to return, causing sales to spike? Absolutely! But specifically, we knew that as a Customer Service Representative at a printer ink company, drinking a Coke at your desk was the one simple pleasure in your day.
Sure, Coke brought back the original formula three months later, but we hijacked the supply chain to make sure InkJetters, Inc. only had New Coke in the vending machines until it was discontinued in 2002, making you “that weird guy who brings his own Coke to the office.”
The Terrorist Attacks of 9/11 (2001, age 44)
Did the Bush administration funnel money to al Qaeda through Saudi royals, funding the attack? Bingo! Was the Pentagon actually hit by a military cruise missile? Swish, baby! But this was because we knew that September 12th, 2001 was going to be the day you took your first vacation from InkJetters, Inc. in 25 years. We have to admit this was the perfect way to ruin your day right before original Coke was back in the vending machine!
The Stock Market Crash of 2008 (2008, age 51)
Did we conspire with a powerful group of Catholic businessmen with ties to The Vatican to steal $550 billion from Lehman Brothers? Wow, you nailed this one!
But guess what? None of that money went to the Catholic businessmen or the Pope. Instead, we used that lump sum to buy your entire town in suburban Ohio. We have planted chips into the brains of every citizen, including your only “non-Internet friend,” Steve.
And did you notice that in 2008 those angry customer calls got even angrier? Those were all undergrad theatre majors from your alma mater, Ohio State. We paid them $1,000/hour. Go Buckeyes!
COVID-19 (2019-present, age 62)
Was this virus created in a Chinese laboratory, funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Of course! We’ll admit this one was almost too easy. Is Bill Gates developing a microchip to insert in all humans during eventual coronavirus immunizations? Classic us! We’ve just been working out the kinks of the prototype on your friend Steve.
But is the microchip going to be used to control the global population so Bill Gates can run the world?
The microchip is actually being programmed so that everyone in the world is out to get YOU. That’s right, now, no matter where you go, your life will be inconvenienced by people cutting you off in traffic and scream-talking on their cell phone at the supermarket!
So yes, we did everything you thought we did, but not why you thought we did it. We were out to get you the whole time 🙂
But think of it this way: without us, you never would’ve lost your job because of the recent economic downturn and had all that free time to go down YouTube wormholes before eventually setting up a channel of your own, exposing us. Oh, the Shakespearian irony!
We should have never doubted you, the chosen one.
But we’re willing to cut you a deal:
If you promise to delete your YouTube channel, we promise to use our 5G cell phone towers to cripple the brains of every NFL team besides your beloved Cleveland Browns.
That’s right, Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Champions!
Just like everything else, no one will ever have to know besides us, TrutherKn0wledge1.
Wishing you the best in these strange and trying times,
The Deep State
P.S. Don’t bother voting!