Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Does not like cheese, or much of anything. But yes, they would like some sharp cheddar on their eggs and hamburgers.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Loves cheese boards at wine bars, with crackers at art openings, free string cheese at work, or in any other location where emotions may arise and they would need to eat their feelings.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Most often sighted in front of the grocery store refrigerator in Warrior III pose reaching over “those lazy-ass, slow cart monsters” for a favorite goat cheese.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Consumes ricotta every day of the year, no exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS, JANICE.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Prefers Basque cheese paired with Zinfandel, friends Jorge and Delaney, and their cute new baby Charlie. Unless they aren’t feeling babies that day or hour, in which case, Gemini prefers to eat Burrata paired with whiskey in a busy bar surrounded by single friends without kids.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Promotes Brie because “everyone likes Brie.” Anyone who doesn’t like Brie can be convinced by Cancers to like Brie as well as their very loving mother, who really is a great mother.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Desires the strongest, loudest, boldest cheese, or whatever cost the most at Trader Joe’s. Think: Caciocavallo Podolico meets Gouda meets leftovers from a friend’s party that inadvertently slipped into Leo’s canvas tote.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Enjoys a collection of three specific organic, gluten-free, free-range, natural, and fair trade cheeses with similar geometric shapes which can be arranged to exactly fit the perimeter of their cheese board purchased in Santorini.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Tried Manchego in 2005, didn’t like it, and refuses to have it again. Libra now sticks to Camembert, Asiago and any other cheese willing to affirm in writing that they are a valuable human being.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Favor Brie until they find out that they were manipulated by a Cancer to like Brie. In the second half of life, Scorpio only consumes Gorgonzola.

Ophiuchus (Who Cares?)
Fancies any cheese that is unpronounceable and not real.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Relishes in cheeses collected from their travels around the world: Kesong Puti, Sakura, Wagasi, Korall. Sagittarius loves to throw cheese and wine nights where their dog jumps on the table and eats all of it and then vomits in guests’ shoes.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Appreciates artisan cheeses produced by a half-brother who “just wasn’t designed for the corporate world.” Between available batches of his artisan cheeses, Capricorn enjoys Velveeta.