Spurred on by the Avengers, many have decreed that wiping out half of the universe’s population, like Thanos suggests, is an abhorrent and brutal act devoid of logic and moral reason. But consider: if there were half as many living creatures on earth as there are now, that means there would be half as many teenagers.
Imagine with me this beautiful new reality.
Half the teens on earth would be gone; the resulting trauma would shock the other half into adulthood. No longer would you pick up your phone to check your stocks, only to be confronted with AirDropped dickpics. You would never worry that, while power-walking through Greenwich, the sonorous claps of your buttocks would elicit them to lean out their car window as they pass and scream, “dummy thicc.” Taco Bell Cantinas, free of the pressure to appeal to a burgeoning youth market, would once more become—simply—Taco Bells.
Even knowing that this sumptuous reality free of teen antics is possible, can one in good faith make a case for a method that some might call “genocide”? I think so. First, it creates opportunities for those of us who are left behind. For example, I abhor going to Macy’s to purchase my annual birthday loafers because the teens there chase me around making fart noises and dabbing. In a world empty of half its population, however, these teens would have a grave sense of the fragility of life, and surely wouldn’t throw Auntie Anne’s pretzels at me. Or, even better, they might be dead.
Second, it relieves the teens who are killed of the everyday worries that come with living a productive life. Specifically, those teens never have to worry about growing out of all of their juvenile fads—which all remaining teens that Thanos spares will immediately do. Once teens are confronted with the sobering reality of life, I am confident they will stop using “Tik Tok” to lip-sync to an auto-tuned remix of me yelling at Capital One sales representatives. This kind of foolishness and complete misunderstanding of my desire to access my hard-earned miles will be something those dead teens will never have to own up to.
The deterioration of our civil society is a serious matter, and Thanos’ plan attempts to address it. Our citizens, our governments, nay even the Avengers cannot meet the task of healing all the hurt in this world. In these trying times we need bold, transformative change to solve global problems like poverty, war, and teens editing my Wikipedia page to change my profession from New York Times columnist to “full-time fart-sucking Jell-O face.” I think as we consider Thanos’ plan, we should think not of the innocent children, the friends and neighbors who may disappear; think of the stinking, wild, no-good, flossing, dabbing, pretzel-chuckin’ TEENS!
AND SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME TURN MY AIRDROP OFF!!!!