Dear Applicant,

We regret to inform you that your application to officially, and without ambiguity or confusion, gain entry to The Friend Zone, has been denied. Unfortunately, after careful consideration—and by that, we mean the almost meaningful amount of time we dedicated to reviewing your application—we’ve determined that the situation you’ve described does not qualify as Friendship and maybe you should just get a dog. Or a better vibrator.

To help clarify the basis for the denial of your application, but more so just to rub it in, we’ve included the associated Reason Code(s) below:

32215: You and your “Friend” used to see each other naked. A lot. In fact, according to your (very detailed) accounting—you two used to get naked three, four times a day. God, sometimes even more! And that trip to the Catskills you wrote about (at length) in your application? That was a lot of naked, wasn’t it. Wow. But not anymore. Nope. That’s over. No more naked. Is this hitting a nerve? Sorry.

40236: Your “Friend” looks exactly like the Hot Priest from Fleabag. You’re not fooling anyone. Again, sorry.

45091: You trimmed your pubic hair with your roommate’s beard trimmer right before your “Friend” (and yes, “Friend” has to be written in quotes) came over last time. That was kind of an off move, wasn’t it?

For all of these reasons, and also others we’re not going to bother to write, we simply cannot help you. Further, we would like to remind you that despite what you may have seen on every T.V. show ever, The Friend Zone is not a mythical realm where you and your ex (sorry, “Friend”) start doing it again. In fact, we have strict policies against this kind of thing. Once two people have seen each other orgasm, they are categorically barred from spending any longer than seventeen plutonic seconds together lest the resulting awkwardness cause one of them to implode on the spot or begin regularly replacing the milk in her cereal with Miller High Life.

Now, if you wish to appeal this decision, please know The Friend Zone takes customer service very seriously and eventually we will beat that wish out of you. Of course, if your claim is accepted (it won’t be), we ask that you consider the potentially unforeseen consequences of befriending someone who’s seen your asshole. Consequences which may include having to actually talk to someone who’s seen your asshole, and other awkward things you probably haven’t considered.

Also, we’d like to take this (other) opportunity to, somewhat condescendingly, remind you that the designation of Friendship is not a catch-all for romantic relationships that couldn’t hack it or for the men you’re not that attracted to who have an HBO Go account and don’t mind helping you install those fakakta shelves you bought for the bathroom. It’s important to remember that friendship is not about sizing up a person’s potential for bodily fluid exchange—it’s about going to goddess-themed baby showers and suffering through group texts filled with giphys of Mariah Carey pretending to talk to Santa, sent by people who will never fuck you.

As always, the Friend Zone would like to thank you for supporting our mission, which is to blatantly ignore most of what you say while working not that hard, but the minimum hard to dismantle any last shred of hope you or anyone else may be clinging to while sipping the champagne of beers out of cereal bowls we bought with our ex’s.

Friend Zone Customer Support