Hi Todd, thanks for coming in.

We wanted to have a little chat with you about some complaints from our other members. Ordinarily in-house communications would occur through terse, typewritten messages delivered by a stone-faced butler. But given the nature of what we're dealing with here, we thought a direct approach might be better.

No, it is nothing very serious. We have ways of… correcting those sorts of infractions. In fact, it is the non-seriousness of your behavior that is at issue.

In general, the way you carry yourself at our parties runs against our whole vibe. What we're going for is a masked and hooded sex dungeon in the bowels of high society, a sort of “dark underbelly of modernity” kind of thing. Then there's you. One member described you as having “the chirpy positivity of a high school debate team coach.” Someone else said you're “like a wacky aunt.” We don't want to embarrass you, Todd, but you're really bumming us out.

To start off with, you shoot people way too many “thumbs up.” Any number of “thumbs ups” would probably be too many. But the sheer amount of thumbs-upping that we get from you during our meetings is really off-putting.

Also, and this is a minor thing, but someone mentioned that you tend to wear a lot of “flair” with your cloak. It's a little strange. During the last meeting I noticed you had on a little button with a flashing light that read, “Brunch So Hard.” Then you had another one on the other side of your cloak that said, “Brunch Game: Strong.” There might have been four or five other brunch-themed buttons on your cloak that day, I can't be sure. Everybody likes brunch, Todd, but it's really distracting.

There have been rumors that you have been using some sort of sound effects machine. One member said he was in the throes of passion with someone in the vestibule, when he heard the refrain from the “ohhhhh yeaahhhh” song from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The week before that a different member said she heard a line from Anchorman playing in the background, I think it was the “Well that escalated quickly!” line. And I myself have heard the Marv Albert “Yes!” on any number of occasions. You are always witnessed close at hand in these instances.

And this is to speak nothing of your tendency for complimenting people's sexual form and stamina, as well as their “areas.” I think it was two weeks ago when I overheard you say to someone that he “had great stick-to-it-iveness.” Someone else said you told them they had “terrific follow-through” and “magnificent buttocks.” We all appreciate the thought, but it's really unnecessary.

Anyway, let us know if any of this is getting through to you. I would usually end this meeting with something ominous like “we hope for your own good that yadda yadda,” but the last time we talked with you, these threats only inspired a fit of giggling. So, you know, please just stop.

Okay, thanks Todd. We'll see you next week. And no, I don't want to high-five.


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