Inferior generations had the Golden Age of cinema. Even more inferior had the Golden Age of television. But we, the lucky and rarified few billion living in the first century of the third millennium, are living through society’s most intoxicating age yet.
The Golden Age of climate change warnings.
Never before have we had so many exceptional, internationally-acclaimed warnings of environmental catastrophe. And unlike past eras—when the topic of human-made global warming almost solely focused on the ozone layer or protecting the rainforest—today’s climate change reports truly have something to destroy everyone.
And with each new report diving deeper into story, while introducing richer villains and more complicated solutions, there’s never been a better time to become a fan of the encroaching, inevitable apocalypse.
To ensure you’re not that friend who can’t talk about what happened in the latest report issued by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change during your next Zoom happy hour—here’s your ultimate guide to all the hottest warnings being reported right now. And by right now, we mean these all premiered in just the last couple of months.
Emily in Hot Water
An infuriating but addicting premise, Emily in Hot Water chronicles the Atlantic Ocean’s journey to temperatures not seen in at least 2,900 years. Who’s Emily? Who cares. The ocean is turning into a pot of boiling water so cancel that fancy restaurant reservation and tie on your lobster bib because hard as you might try, you simply won’t be able to escape this report’s submersive grasp.
The Not-So Great Anymore
An otherworldly entity that once ruled across thousands of miles off the coast of Australia, the Great Barrier Reef’s empire has declined 50% in the last 25 years. And this report takes us through the wild ride and eventual decline of the Great Barrier Reef’s reign as one of the seven natural wonders of the world—all at the hands of the greatest enemy of all: human-made climate change.
The Heating Haunting of Planet Earth
Horror fans will love digging into this terrifying tale where droughts live in a country haunted by the ghosts of all the winters that once existed. Available to read now on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration platform, forecasters predict two-thirds of the US will have a warmer than normal winter—as well as a busy awards season for this cast of breakout disasters.
Up Shit’s Creek
Sure to be a fan favorite, this rip-roaring report finds the month of September breaking temperature records, yet again! And with the entire year set to become the hottest on record, this once-luscious and vibrant planet is forced to leave its old temperatures behind in order to wipe out its most obnoxious inhabitants and ensure its own survival.
The Walking Dead
Based on the current environmental catastrophes that were previously warned by scientists everywhere, this determined report portrays life in 2030, where international humanitarian aid has risen 50%—because nothing was done to combat climate change now, despite all these warnings! Humans leave their burned, dried out, and drowned communities in search of a safe and high above sea level home. But despite their fear of each other, and of themselves, the humans find that living in a world which they’ve destroyed is actually the most terrifying thing of all.
And once you finish any of these devastating predictions of humanity’s extinction at the hands of our own greed and apathy… you’ll have at least a dozen more to anxiously binge. With new reports premiering every week, there’s no end in sight for this white-hot age of climate change warnings—except our own.
So grab your Mylar blanket, dig into your stockpile of beans and peanut butter, and cozy up in whatever shelter you’ve hopefully already constructed on high ground, and enjoy the real-life series finale unfolding around us. After all, nothing gold can stay.