Hey Carol. In the Tesla on my way to the silent retreat and have a buttload of stuff you gotta work on. I'm just gonna list it out.
Book a cut at Salon Nevis in TriBeCa with Zizan next week. Find free time on my calendar when I'm down there.
My brother's birthday is on the 23rd. Find me an artisanal root vegetable farmer that delivers overnight to Thailand.
Also, I'm really into pickling lately and need more jars. Find that mason jar restoration company that sanitizes antique jars with a biodegradable cleanser that they later recycle into a hearty gazpacho.
For Friday's dinner with Shoshana and Manuel: what restaurant in Williamsburg haven't I been to? Ooh! Find that place that has a sunchoke and sea buckthorn salad with a kombucha vinaigrette.
For that conf call with VCs and creative technologists Tuesday between 4 and 6: find a place in NoMad that's not too noisy with hip people hanging out so they can overhear my side of the conversation. Also, remember to post my location on FourSquare so people can geolocate me if anyone wonders who I am.
Oh yeah, get me that conversation between Werner Herzog and Karl Ove Knausgård everybody's talking about. Send me a link. And don't forget to remind me to watch the video. You know the last time I asked you to send me a link to a buzzworthy video, it was the TED talk by Liandra Sankowitz-Miasma on low-income housing and botulism. You forgot to remind me. I wound up at a conference on low-income housing and botulism and everyone was talking about it. I felt like a fucking idiot. Cam I need you on this. You have one job lol!
Damn did I just call you Cam! Carol, right? Sorry. I know you're new and my last assistant was named Cammy and, shit, I have so much going on! Not sure microdosing LSD is really helping.
Also, I speak next month at that conference on blockchain and pediatric diabetes in Mustique. Look up resources on pediatric diabetes. What is that? Is that a thing?
Actually scratch that. Find out: Why I am speaking at the conference in Mustique on blockchain and diabetes? Am I going because the blockchain‘s cool or because I got laid at the last conference in Mustique?
Also, while I'm in Mustique, find me some dives in Saba. Bolbena dove there and saw Longsnout Seahorses and I've never seen one and that is definitely on my bucket list. You really gotta get into scuba Carol.
I will share the Google Doc of my bucket list. Make sure to check off the list getting laid in Mustique.
We have to recalculate my carbon footprint for the year… I don't feel carbon-neutral at all. Maybe it's the barbecue. Maybe the fact that I have everything shipped to me from Amazon and it's the cardboard.
This silent retreat runs 3 full days with a 1-day fast. So you have plenty of time to knock this out before I'm back on the grid.
One last thing. Let's find out why I feel soulless and empty. Assign integer values from 1 to 100 for every action I take reflecting what actions benefit the universe versus what actions are purely self-centered. The result should be I am truly saving the world. But it may return that I am I just making things worse.
And maybe you can tell me why I feel the need to download this list of chores around my luxuriated existence to you, Carol or Cammy or Champy. Maybe it would be better if Siri or Alexa or Google could be my disembodied bot instead of relying on a human being who will quit this job in three months and write a scathing piece about me on The Verge that goes viral.
So yeah, go ahead and tell me what you think! Why am I sputtering on and on about what I'm busy with and how technology so totally rocks when all it does is make life fucking complicated and we're all just sorry, disconnected shitballs unable to communicate on any serious level and why you think I should be taken out and kicked and beaten in the street by ALL the people who hate me because I'm SO smart and I know SO much and I'm SO fortunate!!? Can you do that!!? Go ahead! That's what you think?! Isn't it?!
Oh. Pick up milk. Almond milk. Soy milk. Macadamia milk … any kind of milk that is not milk milk.