Wanted: Chocolatier needed to tell a slow-witted individual that his mama is full of shit. Based on the guide provided in the box of chocolates, you do know what you’re going to get. Please contact the quiet nurse on the park bench at 555-6231.

Head of security at Devlin MacGregor Pharmaceutical Company is seeking qualified bus driver with requisite experience transporting convicted felons to prison in upstate Illinois. Candidate must not fall for deceptions involving prisoners foaming at the mouth, or question the veracity of whether said criminals are actually guilty of their crimes. Please contact the one-armed man at 555-6545.

Hapless criminals looking for qualified candidate to provide wakeup service to a suburban Chicago family with an early morning flight. Individual will ensure all family members, including the precocious 8-year-old, are awake and accounted for before airport transit arrives to pick them up. Please contact the Wet Bandits at 555-6688.

New England State Prison System in need of a qualified full-time structural engineer for Shawshank Prison in Maine. Candidate must have experience inspecting jail cell walls in order to prevent intuitive criminals from slowly and methodically tunneling their way to freedom. Please contact Warden Norton at 555-5545.

Bitterly sarcastic meteorologist who’s had a very long day is seeking experienced driver for transit from Punxsutawney to Pittsburgh. Willing to pay top dollar for immediate transit today, because there is no tomorrow. Please contact Phil Connors right now at 555-6598.

Socialite onboard the RMS Titanic is seeking a qualified individual to murder an annoying scallywag who won’t stop hitting on his fiancee. Experience identifying gigantic icebergs in the North Atlantic a plus. Please contact Cal Hockley at 555-6574.

Wanted: Awkward kid with a propensity for seeing dead people is seeking a living child psychologist to help address his affliction. A qualified dead child psychologist is available to assist but he doesn’t know he’s dead and it’s kind of perplexing. Please contact Cole Sear at 555-9977.

Wanted: Pharmacist needed to convince a troubled individual who won’t stop questioning his very existence, that he should take the blue pill. Please contact Agent Smith at 555-1147.

Wanted: Non-blind individual with the ability to see John Travolta’s face on Nicolas Cage’s body, or Nicolas Cage’s face on John Travolta’s body. Candidate really just can’t be a complete idiot. Please contact anyone else in Hollywood at 555-0980.

Semi-respected scientist is seeking a rational human being to travel to a remote island. There, they will inform a group of dedicated paleontologists that creating dinosaurs out of DNA found in mosquitoes preservered in tree sap is a stupid fucking idea. Please contact Dr. Ian Malcolm at 555-1221.