MITCH: Hello, and welcome, folks! We’re here at the college basketball slam dunking thing! And we have a sensational show for you today, packed with rim-rockin’, knee-knockin’, lip-smackin’ entertainment!

ORLANDO: Mitch, it is truly electric in this gymnasium! I can feel it in my loins.

MITCH: I’m so enthusiastic it doesn’t even matter! Let’s meet our first sports person!

ORLANDO: Our first candidate plays basketball we’re told. Knows his mom, and has a striking smile!

MITCH: What a delight. 9 feet tall. Probably in his mid-thirties. Republican.

ORLANDO: And here goes his first dunk attempt…

MITCH: HELLOOOOO! Hope you brought the peanut butter, because that my friend was a mouthwatering jam!

ORLANDO: My ex-girlfriend’s favorite was boysenberry.

MITCH: Yum. And I just wanna give a quick shout-out to my mailman, Steve! Steve, Carlos is looking for you, and he ain’t happy. Be safe!

ORLANDO: I miss her like crazy.

MITCH: This isn’t just a game, is it? This is life or death. A little game the rest of us play every day without basketball shorts or a choice.

ORLANDO: I’m terribly lonely.

MITCH: DeAndre, these freaks are a lot of fun watch, am I wrong!

ORLANDO: Hey, by the way, my name—

MITCH: Shh, look at the talons on this bird…

MITCH: OOOOOOOOH! What a dunk! Is it a bird?! Is it a plane?! Is it some sort of rare love child between those two things?!

ORLANDO: Like a peacock, opening up to the world for the very first time!

MITCH: This is why I watch sports! The creativity, the passion, the tap dancing, the real estate advice—these student-athletes have it all!

ORLANDO: Such a great aerobic activity for those of us not regularly physical with a spouse or lover.

MITCH: Hell, when I was in college, the only kind of contest I entered was a plea bargain!

ORLANDO: I can’t stop smiling—my mouth’s stuck!

MITCH: I'm on drugs while on TV!

ORLANDO: I once kissed my cousin!

MITCH: WHOA! TIMEOUT. This just in from our producers—apparently, we’re getting a little off topic here.

ORLANDO: Gotta love the guys in the booth. Takes a team to reach the dream!

MITCH: I’m dreaming of a twice-baked potato that gets better with each bite!

ORLANDO: Not sure that’s germane, but—

MITCH: Jermaine? Thought you said it was Xavier?

ORLANDO: What I said was, my girl and I broke up because of intimacy problems.

MITCH: Get a gander at this googly moogly—no hair and a long schnauz!

ORLANDO: I’m sweating through my suit!

MITCH: He’s Anglo Saxon. Bull legged. Loves to party!

ORLANDO: Looks happy.

MITCH: The total package! He can shoot, score, punch, steal, climb, duck, hide!

ORLANDO: Jen was the total package. Though she questioned my masculinity.

MITCH: I absolutely love this kid! I’m gonna adopt him! And raise him, and disown him and forget him and then reconnect somewhere down the road and carry on an amicable relationship for as long as I have to!

ORLANDO: Just beautiful. What a testament to the heart of these young men!

MITCH: Check out this cool handgun.

ORLANDO: Holy crap! Can I twirl it?

MITCH: Sure, it’s loaded!

ORLANDO: I feel strong.

MITCH: Hang on, folks! We have word from Pamela, courtside! Whatya have for us Pammy?!

PAMELA: I’m inside a large structure with walls… I can hear my own voice…

MITCH: Amazing, Pam! Just incredible—all of it. Thank you!

ORLANDO: I think the two of us should go on a romantic date!

MITCH: Well, comrade, I think this is my stop. Watch my six!

ORLANDO: You got it, Mitch! There he goes…

Jen, if you’re watching, I want you to know you’ll always be in my heart. Even if you did marry Mark. Saw the pics on Facebook. And I’m not mad about the restraining order—uh oh… Mitch just stole the ball, wow, that was a nice steal… he’s running… he’s running… HE’S ON FIRE! And not the continuous basket-making type! He’s still running… he’s running through the crowd now.. .lights just went down! We’re gonna head to commercial break, but Jen, love me, please. And don’t go anywhere, folks. We’ll be right back with more sports! Jen, I’m coming over.

Okay, we’re back from commercial, and I’m still here. Now with Pam. My new soulmate. Mitch is in custody—but these young basketballers are not! There’s a whole lot more where this came from—so hold onto your seats, folks, we’re just gettin’ started!