It’s 2018 and there is a lot happening in the world.
The social climate is shifting and toxic masculinity can't continue to bog men down. After years and years of being told not to show emotion, we’re finally being encouraged to display our true feelings instead of holding them in. It can all be a little overwhelming and it may take some baby steps to get the tears flowing, so here’s a list of the best places for guys to cry.
1. The Gym
This is a definitely a no-brainer as far as places to cry go.
Two things are essential for crying at the gym: have your headphones on to drown out the sound of the other people crying at the gym, and do at least 30 minutes of cardio beforehand to work up a sweat.
Do not wipe your sweat. Find an unused machine—such as yourself—and sit there for a minute, letting the sweat drip from your forehead and glaze upon your face. Reflect upon a time you felt you didn’t look good enough and let the tears flow with your sweat.
Song To Listen To: “Mercy” – Shawn Mendes
2. Dark Room at Work
This is cathartic for several reasons. You’re on the clock, so you’re getting paid to cry which is always great.
Find a super dark room, maybe a storage space or the empty corner office of someone who no longer works there, and just let that shit out. Could be after something at work particularly triggered it; In fact, that would make it better because you get to couple the fact that your job isn’t making you happy with the facts that you drive to and from there in traffic, and it’s all to pay off some type of debt.
Also, this isn’t something you want to do in a bathroom for fear that a co-worker or boss comes in, sees your shoes, hears you crying, and thinks you poop too hard.
Song To Listen To: “Broke and Lonely” – Johnny “Guitar” Watson
3. Gerard Butler Movies
Something about Gerard Butler always reads as a man trying to get something back. In every movie he’s in, he’s just trying to avenge something, save something, fix something. Like, damn bro, they don’t let you sit down? Even that romantic comedy he did, he still had to have a gun. I mean, holy shit dude, what romantically comedic situation in life requires you to have a gun?
That’s a dude that’s stressed and you can take a moment to empathize and just let it out.
Song To Listen To: “I See Fire” – Ed Sheeren
This one is big. Some might say dangerous because of the “hard to cry while on the road” thing but I honestly feel it makes you even more careful because it’s now you have two destinations, one physical and one emotional.
The best part about crying while driving is that you get to scream-cry. Just start saying things out loud that transfix your psyche during the trip. And then usually something happens on the road that’s silly and you get to do my favorite part of crying: when you start laughing. You’re laughing, but you're sobbing and your face is super snot-filled and teary-eyed, so you wipe it with old Taco Bell napkins.
It’s beautiful. I call it the human rainbow.
Song To Listen To: “Home” – Brian McKnight
5. Local Basketball Games Where the Teams Aren’t Doing Well But are Trying Their Best
Humans are taught they have to win at all costs. So we put a lot of stock into the idea of victory, even though lessons sometimes come through loss.
You ever watch a post-game interview with a team that lost? Their spirits are broken but they're still optimistic, which is the best combination to watch and cry to.
A local game can be that crying motivation you need. Look up local small colleges or high schools in your area, show up just a little bit late in a cardigan sweater, and sit in the stands alone. Try to really get into the game, especially if it’s close. But if they’re getting full-on blown out, that's even better because you’re you get to root for the underdog. Treat every time they score like you just watched ISIS get defeated or saw your son walk for the first time, but you’re having to witness it from a monitor in space.
Then when they lose, take it hard. This could mean no new jerseys for next season! If there even will be a next season after this loss. Soak all of that energy up like a crying Kamehameha. Then let it all out.
Don't worry, people won’t come up to you because they’ll think you’re one of the player’s dads or something and they won't want to bother you.
Song To Listen To: “I Try” – Macy Gray
6. Abandoned Circuit City
Every city has one. It hasn’t been replaced yet because it just isn’t time yet. They’re not ready. You’re not ready. The Chili’s that bought it out for some reason—even though their building structures are wildly different—isn’t ready.
Everything feels dusty, but like something new was once there. That’s because it was. There was always something new there.
But that newness had to go. Just like your tears have to go out of your eyes and down your face right now. No one is going to ask you to leave. Circuit City is where service is an art. Guess what? Your art right now is to sob, my dude.
Song To Listen To: “Ice Box” – Omarion
7. Down a Youtube Wormhole of “Stolen Valor” Videos
So this needs a little explanation. “Stolen valor” is when a civilian uses a military outfit to gain some of benefits or sympathy, and gets confronted by an actual military member, usually because they have worn some part of the outfit incorrectly. Not only is it a felony to steal valor, but it’s incredibly disrespectful.
These videos of the people getting confronted for stealing valor are always incredible, especially if you need a good cry and you have already watched all of the inspirational America’s Got Talent clips and all of the “someone returning home to their kids or dogs” videos.
Stolen valor videos have several steps: the initial confrontation, which is always something like, “Oh, you served in the Iraq War? Then why are you wearing a marching band jacket?”
Then the person who stole the uniform tries to lie their way out of it by using vague military terms like, “I saw some combat, yeah…I was in the…45th Infantry Black Ops mission parade. That’s why my uniform is different, we had to camouflage more.”
And that’s when the real military dude really calls them out: “Motherfucker, I had friends and brothers that died over there. And you come here and disrespect them like that? Where’d you get that uniform?”
And then the lying dude is like, “It’s my stepbrother’s from the thrift store.”
And then it’s ripped off of them, revealing a Pokemon t-shirt or something. There’s so much shame.
You might salute your computer, just be prepared.
Song To Listen To: “God Bless the U.S.A.” – Lee Greenwood
8. Your Childhood Basement
This has the makings for everything you need in a good cry. Nostalgia. Memories. A simpler time. For you personally and not the bullshit white people version of simpler times like, “You know, like the 50’s when you could just say anything to anyone without consequences!”
Show up at your parents' house but give yourself and them five-minutes warning. Give out hugs, and drink some tea or coffee, but if you’re really trying to go there, drink a Capri Sun (Ecto Cooler for maximum effect, whatever the fuck that flavor was). Then say, “Hey is it cool if I check out the basement?” Your ma will say, “Oh, we haven’t been down there since you moved out.”
Yes. Head down and just soak it all in. The old computer full of viruses because you tried to change your grades while downloading porn on Kazaa. The couch you got a handjob on while playing PS2. Your old yearbook with all the kids that you graduated with that have died or gotten married. Will you ever find love? Will you ever find death?
Now find a place with no cobwebs and do the silent whimper cry. The one that seeps through the corners of your mouth and you hide your face because you don’t want your ma to hear, but she’s already at the door. And she knows. But she won’t ask what’s going on. Not today at least.
Song To Listen To: “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself” – Jess Glynne
9. Right Here, Right Now
Hey man. You did it. Feelings are for people who are alive. And you’re allowed to feel. What’s holding you back? What do you wish you did better? What do you wish you did? Or could take back? Say it out loud and repeat it if you need.
It might be something simple like Nacho 3D Doritos. I think about those chips four times a week, which feels excessive. That alone might be reason enough to cry—I’m obsessed with something I can’t control and that might not ever come back. It might be death, envy, heartache, or Doritos.
But have a moment, because you just read all of this. Don’t beat yourself up over your emotions or your past. And don’t punch a wall. I know that was your way of “letting it out” back in college but now you have to pay for drywall.
Song To Listen To: “In Repair” – John Mayer