Dear Prospective Member,
When you check out a gang, you should consider whether it aligns with your values. If you care about transparency as much we do, then the Sunlight Gang may be for you. Some people find our philosophy hard to fathom, but it is really quite simple: This organization and its members have to Nothing to Hide. I am sure that you have questions, and we are certainly happy to answer them. Disclosure is what we are all about!
Q: Do you actually engage in criminal activity?
A: Absolutely! We would be a pretty lame crew if we didn’t.
Q: Aren’t you worried about getting caught and going to jail?
A: Traditional cartel members who take extreme measures to keep secrets still go to prison. We accept that punishment is a normal, albeit unfortunate, consequence of committing a crime. While we respect other groups who emphasize secrecy, we have a different philosophy.
Q: Do you have a special jacket or bandanna that I can wear?
A: Members are expected to wear their Sunlight Gang branded T-shirt or hoodie during all official activities.
Q: Do members have to kill someone to show how committed they are?
A: No worries. Our initiation ritual is to show everyone in the gang your Internet search history.
Q: Who are your rivals?
A: Our official policy is that we have no rivals, because no other crime
syndicate in the world shares our commitment to transparency. If any did, we are sure that we would have heard of them by now.
Q: Don’t you worry about being infiltrated by the police?
A: They are welcome to try. Frankly, it seems like a waste of law enforcement resources given that we make no effort to conceal our activities.
Q: Whose idea was this?
A: In 1993, our founder “Glass House Joe” Gordon got tired of telling his mother that he made a living selling bespoke stationery to Wall Street investment forms. In a moment of clarity, he confessed to her his true profession of loansharking. She told Joe was proud that her son was no liar. Then he took a solemn oath that he would never mislead anyone again.
Q: How did that work out for him?
A: Joe was stabbed to death six months later, after he answered in the negative when a local mafioso asked him if his goddaughter was the prettiest little girl that Joe had ever seen. He is gone, but his ideals live on in the Sunlight Gang.
Q: Have you considered making your motto, “Sunlight is the best disinfectant”?
A: We get this suggestion a lot, and it makes us wonder if people understand what we are about. Our intentions are purely antisocial, so we have no interest in being disinfected.
Q: Do you like West Side Story?
A: We enjoyed the singing and dancing, but believe that the whole thing would have gone much better if Tony and Maria had been more open about their relationship.
Q: Speaking of relationships, are you popular with the ladies?
A: We get our share of action, but bear in mind that all romantic relationships must be registered so we can look out for any conflicts of interest. While we are on the topic of relationships, we would really like to know if you have a brother who is a cop, especially if he has vowed to shoot you on sight for breaking your late mother’s heart.
Q: The Sunlight Gang sounds awesome! How do I sign up?
A: Just leave your contact info on our Facebook page, and we’ll take care of the rest.
Q: Do snitches get stitches?
A: I think you already know the answer to this one.