You will not be allowed into THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS unless you consent to all terms of this agreement (which are written in the blood of her whatever on the back of all White House staff employment applications and West Wing bathroom mirrors) and acknowledge your full acceptance of this agreement by responding to any CNN interview request with “lock her up.”

Upon entry to THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, you agree to entirely waive your rights to sue if you incur physical, psychological, or reputational injury!

I. Assumption of Risk.

Any person who enters THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS acknowledges that this is a unique presidential environment, designed to maximize the fright and anxiety experienced by any employee regardless of personal sacrifice to, or ideological alignment with, the sitting President, and that this environment has certain, inherent, known and unknown, obvious or non-obvious risks, including, but not limited to: falling; tripping; lying; being stabbed in the back; getting shouted out of restaurants; unsolicited support from white supremacists; criticism from your employer regardless of merit; or treason.

These risks may cause serious moral injury or even complete soul death.

You further acknowledge and assume liability for the presence of, and exposure to, the following risks:

  1. fog, dust, or airborne spray tan solution;
  2. management of confederate statue defense funds;
  3. ghosts, ghouls, and possible indictments;
  4. obstacles and obstructions on, in, or along your upward career trajectory following your tenure;
  5. haunting regrets;
  6. dimly lit stairwells;
  7. eerily dwindling base support;
  8. delusions of grandeur;
  9. being forced to protest Nike, Keurig, and fact-based reasoning;
  10. loud, violent, and often incorrectly spelled Twitter blasts from your employer;
  11. imprisonment;
  12. overcooked steak;
  13. visits from future you warning present you to renounce your evil ways until it’s too late;
  14. lost children;
  15. any acts performed by you or your coworkers spurred by fear, anxiety, psychopathy, cowardice, greed, or any other psychological or emotional decay;
  16. continued failure of checks and balances, such as a functional congress or impartial judicial branch;
  17. unpredictable situations;
  18. science denial;
  19. sudden and extreme changes in temperature;
  20. terrible office parties;
  21. any act of evil performed, whatsoever, by any person working for THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, in addition to any and all other activities, procedures, or proposed legislation designed to frighten and confuse American citizens.

If you do not assume and accept all risk for potential injury, you do not have permission to enter THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS.

II. Release and Waiver of Liability.

By entering THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS, you agree that you have read this agreement and all other warnings, and you willingly accept all risks, both specifically identified above and unknown, and to release The Trump Organization, the GOP, your conscience, and any of their business and/or building owners, employees, agents, affiliates, second cousins, and any future reality television deals from any and all claims, rights, and damages arising from any and all negligence or reckless act whatsoever on the part of the aforementioned parties, or their representatives.

If you do not release and waive all liability of the parties identified in this section, you do not have permission to enter THE WHITE HOUSE OF HORRORS and will be subject to public shaming by assignment of an offensive, if unoriginal, nickname by the Commander-in-Chief.