The universe tells me when one door closes another opens. The universe provides a seating area in the space between the one door closing and the other opening so that, if the other door doesn't open when the first door closes, I have a place to hang out. The universe also tells me, even though there's a place to sit between the one door opening and the other closing not to get too comfortable. The universe provides a sorta bench, but not some super-comfortable easy chair that I'm gonna wanna hang out in for hours. The universe also provides a book or two to read near the bench, like something from Deepak Chopra or Shakti Gawain.

The universe also tells me there is abundance. The universe isn't specific about this abundance so it's a little unclear if it's an abundance of love, an abundance of money or even an abundance of hate for that matter. The universe could provide an abundance of love to overpower the abundance of hate if it wanted to. I really doubt it would cook up an abundance of hate to overpower the abundance of love because that would be so not like the universe to fuck with abundance that way. The universe is abundant with an infinite supply of all kinds of shit it can cook up whenever. The universe could send me a guy with a huge bag of money right now. But that's not the universe's style. The universe is not Oprah.

A long time ago, when I was having a hard time in 4th grade, the universe told me that Alina Goldblatt had a crush on me. That really helped because 4th grade sucked in a lot of ways but was made better because I knew she had a crush on me, even though we never really did anything. It was just kinda cool.

Alina Goldblatt is now Alina Masterson and lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan, has 2 kids and is married to Peter Masterson who is a mortgage broker. She runs a pottery studio where she teaches classes year round. The universe didn't tell me that. I learned that on Facebook.

The universe wants me to be happy. The universe really does want me to be happy. I am not happy. I'm actually pretty fucking depressed lately and I don't give a shit what the fucking universe wants. It's not doing me a damn bit of good. And I'm kinda pissed at the universe because it wants me to be happy and I'm not happy. In fact, I'm even more pissed because the universe, some ethereal, all-encompassing entity which comprises everything that ever was and ever will be, that this thing is all, “Dude, I want you to be happy!” and I'm not and I'm like, “Thanks a fucking lot asshole fucking universe! Now I feel even worse because I don't feel the way the entire fucking universe wants me to feel!”

So, like, I think maybe the universe felt really sorry. And maybe the universe sent out some bad vibes and this very well may be why we have a stupid fucking idiot for a president and things in general are absolutely horrible all over the God damned world. So maybe the universe really wants me to feel better about myself so that maybe in the coming mid-term elections there's a surge of Democrats who will come in and impeach this fucking nutjob and maybe the universe can set things straight again.

I mean, I hope so but the universe is huge and has a lot going on. Like, what if there's some black hole 40 million light years away from me and my depression. Like something that is the veritable opposite of abundance which is literally consuming everything within millions of miles around it, stars and planets are being crushed and condensed and light and energy itself cannot escape.

So the universe really has its hands full with all that shit. I can't imagine how the universe handles all of it but that's the universe's job. That's what it does. Somehow, in the middle of all this, the universe is providing benches in hallways and books to read and abundance and telling me everything is gonna be just fine despite how screwed up it looks, it's just gonna be fine. I have to remember that.

I just hope the universe can get rid of this president though. Seriously.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.