I’m a hopeless romantic kinda guy who’s just looking for a kindred spirit. I like cerebral documentaries, the Cleveland skyline from Lake Erie at dusk, and trolling the comments section of the local CBS affiliate WOIO’s website with bigoted posts about people who have had experiences that I find entirely alien.

But you should know that I’m so much more than that. Indeed, I’m an adventurous soul who is unafraid to eat things in order to prove my affections for a potential suitor.

A Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, large French fry, and medium Dr. Pepper.

Honestly, I don’t consider this one to be a challenge. Unless you consider that I don’t get it plain. I’ll take those pickles, onions, ketchup and mustard thank you very much. I’ll exhibit my true fitness by woofing it down before I even consider taking a pull from that Dr. Pepper.

An entire Jamon Iberico.

Imagine that you and I abscond to Andalusia in southern Spain to take in the romantic sights, vibrant flamenco music and the primal act of me devouring an entire black label (very expensive) Jamon Iberico (ham) in a quaint tapas (small plate of complementary food traditionally served alongside alcohol) restaurant while you enjoy chocolates and un chato de Tempranillo (glass of Tempranillo – a full-bodied red wine). I’m sweating just thinking about it.

A freezer-burned package of private label fishsticks from the Kroger on Mansfield Road in Akron, OH.

 Or maybe you’re a more provincial type-o-gal. I can do that too. All you need to do is procure an oven (or a toaster oven in a pinch) for me and I will show you the lengths I’m willing to go for a mate. Don’t worry about the malt vinegar, I think I have some in my glove box. If not, there’s definitely some in my crawlspace.

This goose that I totally drilled last night on the way home from Kroger. Jesus you should have seen it.

I don’t think I can be more symbolic than I’m being right now. Don’t worry, even though it was nearly 11pm I still managed to methodically clean this majestic waterfowl before I went to bed.

So how’s ‘bout it? You wanna come over? At the very least there’s a jar of goose fat in it for you.