If I had it my way, Los Angeles would outlaw all forms of electrical lighting because the beautiful stars that live there already illuminate the city enough. Perhaps the brightest light comes from Hollywood’s biggest star, Tom Cruise. I’m a 94-year-old man who’s seen his fair share of movie stars rise and fall, but I’ve never seen talent like Mr. Cruise’s. Nothing gives me more joy than to work closely with him at my job, wringing the oil out of Mr. Cruise’s hair while he calls me a neanderthal. However, if I’m to continue to be blessed enough to maintain my position, there are six rules I must never break.

I Must Squeal With Delight When Mr. Cruise Calls Me a Neanderthal

When Mr. Cruise shouts his most favored insult at me, I must be grateful and verbally show him my appreciation with a delighted squeal. To be acknowledged by Mr. Cruise is an honor, even if the acknowledgment is derogatory in nature. And if Mr. Cruise says I am a neanderthal, then I am a neanderthal. Far be it from me to correct the star of Knight and Day (2010). I am grateful that Mr. Cruise puts me in my place.

I Must Never Bring Mr. Cruise’s Hair Oil Home With Me

No matter how plentiful the day’s harvest of sweet and slick oil may be, I must resist temptation and never bring even a drop home. Instead, I must always place the oil in Mr. Cruise’s cellar where it can be stored until it is eventually combined with a little vinegar and served to Mr. Cruise’s enemies on a salad. If Mr. Cruise ever catches me filling my car’s gas tank up with his hair oil again, he is within his rights to sell my social security number to his Scientologist friends. I am grateful that Mr. Cruise has shown me mercy in the past.

I Must Understand That Mr. Cruise, Not My Family, Wants What’s Best for Me

Only Mr. Cruise understands me. My family tried to manipulate me into betraying Mr. Cruise by encouraging me to request time off to see my grandchildren on Christmas because they do not understand how essential I am. My hands, though calloused and worn due to the nature of the job, are as nimble as a mouse and as strong as a lion. No other hands are capable of removing oil from Mr. Cruise’s hair with such strength and precision. I am grateful that Mr. Cruise recognizes this talent in me.

I Must Continue to Do Mr. Cruise’s Stunts for Him

Hollywood has many secrets which must be kept in order for the movies that we all know and love to continue being made. One such secret is that Mr. Cruise does not do his own stunts. This is because he has awarded me the opportunity to prove my loyalty to him and perform the stunts in his place. To be granted the chance to have an uncredited/unpaid role within the greatest of industries is to be touched by God himself. My doctor demands that I stop doing the stunts, but I refuse. I am grateful that Mr. Cruise has more wisdom than my doctor.

I Must Recite One Funny Homer Simpson Line for Mr. Cruise Each and Every Shift

Mr. Cruise, like all of us, loves to laugh and nothing makes him giddy and giggle like his beloved Homer Simpson (whom he affectionately refers to as “Big Dad”). When Mr. Cruise asks to speak with Big Dad, I must put on my blue pants, white polo, and bald cap. I must then say something like, “My wife and kids are driving me absolutely freaking nuts.” I have never seen a single episode of The Simpsons, but it does not matter, for Mr. Cruise has seen them all and wants to hear Big Dad say something he hasn’t heard before. I am grateful Mr. Cruise lets me be creative at work.

I Must Allow Mr. Cruise to Keep My Soul in His Amulet for the Duration of My Employment and Beyond

A soul is easily corrupted and it is safer for mine to be stored in the amulet Mr. Cruise wears around his neck rather than in my body. Sometimes when I listen closely as Mr. Cruise’s hair oil slides between my fingers and drips into the big mason jar I use for storage, I can hear the cries of despair from the other souls encased within the amulet. They plead, “Free us!” and “Destroy our captor!” I must not listen to them, for they seek only to deceive me. I am grateful Mr. Cruise keeps me close to his heart.


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