Many smart people have developed theories about what, specifically, caused 46% of the electorate to vote for Donald J. Trump. These smart people have studied polls and trends and turnout and the Midwest and third parties and social media and James Comey and xenophobia and Russia. But none of these people have brought up the fact that in the sixth grade, I asked Betsy Miller to go to the junior high dance with me and she said, “I’m sorry, but I’m already going with Evan.”

These “journalists” have interviewed Trump voters who claim that being told they were racist and sexist pigs made them upset enough to vote for a racist and sexist pig, but as of January 20th, none of these so-called reporters have interviewed Betsy Miller.

The thing is—and hang on to your hats for this one—I think Betsy may be of Russian descent.

While the C.I.A. has shown that the Russian government may have played a role in helping to elect Mr. Trump, Betsy Miller recently posted on Facebook that she is looking forward to going on holiday in the next few weeks and mentioned not one thing about having been contacted by the C.I.A. as it pertains to her turning down my request to Windy Meadow Middle School’s Tropical Para-Dance in 1998.

The thing is—and hang on to your hats for this one—I think Betsy may be of Russian descent.  Her mother’s maiden name is Ford, which according to Wikipedia is possibly a Russian surname.

Now I know that isn’t conclusive, but you would think that the C.I.A., in the scope of their investigation, would have at least found time to meet with Betsy and ask if she has any connection to the hackers who leaked the DNC information but withheld information about the RNC in order to slander one, Hillary Rodham Clinton, but not one, Donald John Trump, and also, while they’re there, they might as well ask her why she claimed to already be going to the W.M.M.S.’s Tropical Para-Dance with Evan when Evan had specifically confided in me two nights earlier at a sleep-over that he was keen on asking Rebecca Thompson to said dance because he overheard Rebecca in that morning’s gym class talking about something called “French kissing.”

At this point, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But what does Betsy Miller have to do with the way Hillary Clinton handles her email and the electorate’s response to that?”

To which I say, have you ever seen Betsy use email?

That’s not rhetorical; please let me know if you have. I’ve tried emailing the address I found online, but she’s never responded, and I’m not sure if that’s because she’s just not the greatest with technology—like HRC—or if she just doesn’t use that email account anymore.

Just so we’re clear: don’t for one second let anyone tell you that it was the Democrats ignoring the white working class that lost them the election because not only was Hillary’s platform far more nuanced and beneficial to working whites, but also Betsy Miller didn’t even end up going to the dance with Evan, but with a Mr. Jason Rudenko. And “Rudenko” is most certainly a Russian last name, so who can really say how high up this thing goes.