NAME OF EMPLOYEE MAKING COMPLAINT: Raven
DATE OF INCIDENT: December 12, 1844
LOCATION OF INCIDENT: 203 North Amity St., Baltimore, MD
WHO/WHAT IS THE SUBJECT OF YOUR COMPLAINT: A customer, Mr. Eddy Poe (duplicate customer account under “Quarles”)

SUMMARY OF COMPLAINT/ISSUE:

Customer ordered a trowel for same-day delivery. I arrived at the residence at 11:55 PM. So technically, it was still same-day. But I didn't actually speak with the customer until sometime after midnight. Forced to wait outside for more than 15 minutes in pretty nasty weather. Knocked several times before he finally answered.

I knew the customer was home, because I heard him talking to other people—“Madam,” “Sir,” someone named Lenore. Upon entering, I immediately sensed something was off. Customer was alone and apparently talking to himself the whole time.

Then he started insulting me. Things like “ghastly,” and also a personal attack about my age. Customer obviously wanted to report me for a late delivery, because he asked for my name.

I didn’t give it to him. Not my fault he took forever to answer the door. And what does he have to complain about, exactly? He’s the one reading and napping, not catering to last-minute trowel whims in the dead of winter!

I just wanted to finish the job and get home, after flying all over the Mid-Atlantic region for 12 hours. But when I began to say, “Nevermore Courier Service requires your signature for this same-day trowel delivery,” I only got the first word out. Because the customer cut me off and would not stop talking.

As a Nevermore courier, I'm well-trained to deal with shut-ins, particularly writers. They may be ill-mannered, but they're also lonely. So I let him rant a bit. Then I tried again to tell him that Nevermore Courier Service requires a signature. He cuts me off again. This went on for a while. I attempted to get him to sign for the trowel at least a half-dozen times.

It was almost comical, except things started to get ugly. Customer became increasingly agitated. Too many insults to remember, but “ungainly” really made me mad. Let's see how well he can walk, after nearly losing his legs in a warehouse accident with a 3,000-pound pendulum that should not even be available for purchase! And particularly not by someone who is so unbalanced that they scream at the courier instead of apologizing for not opening the goddamn door sooner!!!

Came really close to losing my temper, but Nevermore wouldn't want an employee to engage in name-calling, like “thing of evil.” So I just glared. And then I left without having him sign for the trowel. First time in 25 years that I’ve violated company protocol.

COMPLAINT OUTCOME:
(As a result of making this complaint, is there any outcome you would like? If so, please describe below.)

I’d like Nevermore to terminate this customer relationship, although I doubt that will happen. Particularly since we’re trying to expand the same-day service offering, and Mr. Poe just placed another big order for fancy party masks.

As a long-time employee of Nevermore, I hope the company will side with my description of events that night. Please note that this customer may be prone to fabrication. He strikes me as melodramatic. Also, remember that he is a writer, which means his financial situation is dire. If he tries to distort this incident for personal gain, I will not be surprised.

Please flag this customer address and do not send any more couriers from Nevermore’s Avian Dept., unless you want to subject them to the same abuse. For future deliveries to Mr. Poe, I recommend using the Charismatic Megafauna Dept. They’re physically intimidating and know how to handle themselves. Especially the orangutan.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.