Founded in 2015, the Kill Me Now Squad has operated in the shadows, taking out targets too embarrassed to continue with life. The following cases have recently been declassified.

Case File #64

Target identified as 15-year-old Sarah who submitted her Kill Me Now request to BFF Tabitha via WhatsApp. The request reads as follows: “At TGI Fridays with the fam kmn (Rolling-eyes emoji, water pistol emoji)”.

File update: Subject quietly dealt with by Agent Rodriquez using an unnecessarily loud rendition of “Happy Birthday” and excessive use of sparklers as a distraction.

Case File #182

Per the President’s orders, a team of KMN snipers have been placed strategically around the perimeter of 13-year-old Kyle’s Sherman Oaks residence. Kyle’s father just asked if “Post Malone is a sequel to Bugsy.” Agents remain locked and loaded as they stand by for further instruction from the White House.

Case File #390

No clear shot. The current target, 14-year-old Cynthia Maguire, is surrounded by five other teenage girls. Intel is showing possible signs of a slumber party. We also have unconfirmed reports that Katie is into Chad, but any sign of reciprocation from Chad is still unclear.

All units be alert. The body language of Mrs. Maguire suggests she’s about to embarrass Cynthia by acknowledging her daughter’s very existence in front of her friends. Wait for it…Wait for it…There it is! There it is! The subtle look to the heavens, Cynthia is begging to be put out of her misery! Go, go, go!

Case File #731

Diagnostics show 13-year-old Hannah recently started puberty and has been upgraded to “extremely volatile.” Let’s pray Agent Thompson’s school janitor cover is still intact. Subject has had three near misses, calling her teacher “Pam,” “Mam,” and “Dom” respectively. KMN HQ feels it’s only a matter of minutes before she refers to the teacher as “Mom.”

Case File #1071

A rare error in judgment. Invalid target has been wrongly terminated after “Kmart” auto-corrected to “Kmn.” The subject was 87-years-old and had yet to fully grasp the concept of iMessage. Investigation pending.

Case File #1355

Morning carpool currently being tailed by Agent Roberts and Zielinski. Vehicle is a 2017 Dodge Grand Caravan carrying our person of interest, 16-year-old Jeff Norris, best-friend Jackson, and Jeff’s father, Mr. Norris.

Our compiled research shows Mr. Norris is yet to figure out the Bluetooth capabilities of the Grand Caravan and has chosen this very moment in front of Jeff’s best friend to debut his portable CD player. Jeff has already threatened several times to “jump out of the moving car” if Mr. Norris doesn’t put the ancient contraption back into the glove box. Should Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde” make an appearance, all units are to prepare for the impending KMN-captioned Snapchat.

File update: “John Wesley Harding” is also to be treated as code-red.

Case File #2663

All movements of 17-year-old Jake Fitzgerald are currently being tracked. The subject is apparently home alone for the weekend and is unaware that his phone has been tapped.

The following transcript reveals an extract of a phone call logged at 18:06pm: “My stupid parents only left me $200 for food. How the hell am I supposed to survive on that? And get this, they bought the wrong type of milk again. How many times do I have to tell them I only drink almond? I know, exactly! Kill…me…now.”

Our chosen method of termination for this case is completely untraceable. Agents are currently preparing to sabotage Jake’s Doritos by dusting them with Novichok agent.


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