Friends, family, and visitors—Merry Christmas, and welcome to First Baptist Church. This is The Season of Giving, but unfortunately that giving spirit has been lacking from the offering plate this year: tithing is at an all-time low. However, I am proud to announce First Baptist’s new corporate sponsor: Verizon Wireless.

Believers, tonight I bring you good news of unlimited talk and text to the Creator of the universe, powered by America’s best 5G network. As brothers and sisters in Christ, Verizon offers us an Unlimited Family Plan, starting at just $35 per line per month. We are truly blessed to be a target demographic.

Let us begin tonight’s service with a moment of fellowship: please turn to your neighbor, take a selfie, and post it on social media with #VerizonChristmas2019. Our God, and our contractual obligations to Verizon Wireless, implore us to go viral!

Yes, God is good, and thanks to another generous donation, God is Brought To You By Dunkin Donuts. America Runs On Dunkin, but so too did God as He created the Heavens and the Earth in just six days, and on the seventh, He rested on a Casper Mattress. Congregation, I urge you to use promo code “Genesis20” at checkout.

As we remember the free shipping we benevolently receive by having an Amazon Prime account, let us also remember the story of Christmas with a reading from the Burger King James Bible:

“For unto you is born this day a Burger King. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the burger wrapped in thin wax paper, lying in a cardbox box, swaddled in grease. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God Brought To You By Dunkin Donuts: Glory to God, Brought To You By Dunkin Donuts, in the highest. Peace on Earth, and a GOOD DEAL for all men: the Whopper Combo Meal for only $6.49.”

Now, what are we to learn from these familiar verses?

At first glance, this may appear to be a simple story of being hungry. And in many ways, it is. But looking closer, we must ask: Simply because we are hungry, does that mean that we deserve to have a quarter-pound of savory flame-grilled beef topped with juicy tomatoes, fresh lettuce, creamy mayonnaise, ketchup, crunchy pickles, and sliced white onions on a soft sesame seed bun?

No, we do not deserve it. But what we see here is a fast food chain that is willing to meet us wherever we are, available off most exits on the highway of life. Congregation, let us celebrate that Burger King does not ask you to change, rather, it encourages you to Have It Your Way. That, my brothers and sisters, is what we call grace. And that is the story of Christmas.

Let us pray: Loving God, Brought To You By Dunkin Donuts, tonight let us revere your love and Burger King-like grace. We acknowledge that You, like our corporate sponsors, also give without any expectation other than our continued brand loyalty. In the name of The Father, The Son, and one free year of Disney+ with any Verizon Wireless Unlimited Plan, amen.

The offering plate is being passed around now. Thanks to our sponsors, you don’t have to give a single dime: just drop in a slip of paper with your email for their mailing list.

The eternal God Brought To You By Dunkin Donuts loves each and every one of you. But please remember, Terms & Conditions may apply.

And I say this all in the name of The Lord Jesus Christ Presented By José Cuervo, the #1 tequila in the world since 1795: Peace be with you, and please drink responsibly.


And now a quick joke...

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.