Can’t get enough of leather fringe and coonskin caps? Neither can the stylist we’ve assigned you. Buffalo Man has been tracking, trapping, and skinning everything from antelope to river fowl since he came over from France as a one-month-old. Hard to believe he’s now twelve-and-a-half! A $25 styling fee (waived for American Fur Company stakeholders) will be credited toward whatever you choose to keep. Send a smoke signal to Buff when you’re ready for a new Trunk. One puff means, “More beaver felt hats, please.” Two puffs mean, “Livery’s on fire!”
You still got that tooth, doncha?
Dollar Shave Club
You know when you’re robbing a train and your beard gets itchy? Trust us. We’re worth the whole gol darn dollar. We accept payment via Western Union or the pinch method.
This here is a box of rocks. You know what to do. Sharpen that pickaxe and start prospecting!*
*Use coupon code ROCKS to begin your risk-free trial today. Just $19 a month after that. Beat the rush from the comfort of your commode!
Leave the bottle-breaking and barroom carnage to the young ’uns and let us do the hunting tonight. That's right, it’s time to try eating in! Our salted pork comes with all the fixings, except salt. And instead of pork we’ll send you catsup. We ship parcels with the United States Mail. Delivery can take up to eight months.
Of your seventeen children, only one has not fallen under the wagon wheel or succumbed to cholera. Let’s get him crafting.
Hot Sauce of the Month Club
Tired of choking down flavorless raccoon meat? Spice it up with best-in-class catsup. We got tomato catsup, mushroom catsup, walnut catsup, and whiskey catsup. We call that last one the Southern Stinger. #dynamite
Well I’ll be! There’s something a’livin’ in this here one.
Tired of your crotch rot, butt rot, and armpit rot scaring away them soiled doves at the saloon? Try our latest unguents. Works even when you’re in jail!
Planning ahead is the most important part of any shootout. You wouldn’t show up to a standoff without your six-shooter. Why would you show up without making proper burial arrangements? Our caskets are about yay big, made of birch. And the best part is, we let you try before you buy. Don’t like the fit or feel of a model? Just send it back on the next stagecoach. A gunslinger is only as good as his grave. Don’t forget to ask about our two-for-one Tombstone pricing.
Welcome to the sweet hereafter. Well, aren't you being put out to pasture in style! Here’s your harp and angel wings, and here’s the white chocolate dip you signed up for back on Earth. Cancel absolutely anytime, but know that when you do you will have to Chat.