On behalf of We’ve Got Your Back Insurance, we are deeply, sadly, sympathetically, compassionately, personally, painstakingly heartbroken about the destruction of your home, which we will not be covering at all. Let me stop you there. I empathetically understand why you think your house burned down, but technically speaking it was destroyed and not “burned down.” Yes sir, this difference does matter since we don’t cover general destruction; we cover fire destruction. However, we offer you our sincerest heartwarming complementary sympathies and condolences.

We understand that your second-floor bathroom collapsed in on itself, but it had nothing to do with fire. In terms of physics, the bathtub, flaming or not, fell through the floor. Your current policy doesn’t cover tub-induced damage. The responsibility purely falls on you for having a heavy, dangerous cast-iron bathtub in your second-floor bathroom. We would have recommended that you bathe on the first floor. Again, we offer you our sincerest complementary sympathies and condolences.

In terms of the kitchen damage, the oven exploded and since we handle fire insurance and not oven-exploding insurance, we at We’ve Got Your Back simply can not cover you. Sure, I can see how you might claim that the fire caused the oven to explode, but the truth is that the fire caused smoke, which caused heat, which caused even more heat and this heat caused the oven to explode. Therefore, the fire was never directly responsible and the blame unfortunately falls on you for precariously having a treacherous oven in your kitchen.

Yes, I understand that your flaming chimney fell and crushed your entire porch. However, this destruction was caused by the chimney’s impact, which had everything to do with gravity and its brick construction and nothing to do with it being on fire. Simply put, your current plan doesn’t cover chimney-falling insurance or gravity insurance, and your hazardous brick-chimney places you at fault. I would like to reiterate that we offer you our sincerest complementary sympathies and condolences.

Right, I know that our commercials feature a cuddly koala bear named Karl, who sings “We’re Your Friend, Until the End,” but you still do not qualify. No sir, he is not a “cash-grabbing liar”; he is an animated cartoon. Your statement is preposterous. Regardless, your fire insurance doesn’t cover fire damage anyway. Sir, I am asking you to let me explain.

Your house was constructed of wood, which is prone to fire. Therefore, the entire building is not covered, because you decided to live in a house made of one of the most dangerous materials. Furthermore, by keeping flammable items in your home such as hand sanitizer, rubbing alcohol, and flour, the responsibility further falls on you. However, let me repeat that we offer you— Okay, you don’t want to hear me say it. No need to be so rude.

Despite these tragic circumstances, there is a silver lining, because here at We’ve Got Your Back, “We’re Your Friend Until the End.” You can sign up for our additional plans that cover these fire-adjacent damages.

For a mere six hundred dollars a year, you can add bathtub-crashing-through-the-ceiling insurance and for another measly, seven-hundred dollars a year you can add chimney-destroying-porch insurance. Those are only two of our three-thousand other a-la-carte options. What’s that? No, these plans won’t cover any of your current damages since they have already occurred, but they can cover the next time your chimney collapses into your porch. We offer you our sincerest— Alright, you don’t have to tell me to shut it.

No, sir, we are not a “greedy corporation.” From our customizable packages to our mission statement, we strive to show the utmost empathy for our clients. No, we can not cover your AirBNB temporary living costs even if you think your house burnt down, which it technically did not. Even if we did cover your new place, it would have to be a pre-approved motel under the price of thirty dollars a night and we would cover half of the bill for three days only if you informed us one hour after your house burned down, which legally never happened. As our company motto states, “Foster Empathy in the 21st Century.”

What? You want to cancel your insurance plan with We’ve Got Your Back? Let me tell you that we offer our sincerest complementary sympathies and condolences. Of course, you can cancel at anytime as long as you pay a reasonable cancellation fee of $2,500.