Hello there, I am Sergey Sergeyevich Andrienko, and I am a hacker working for Russia’s S.V.R. My colleagues and I have just successfully hacked 250 federal agencies and businesses and yet, I feel empty inside. Where is my sense of accomplishment? Why don’t I feel like celebrating? Trust me when I say morale is low within the entire Russian hacker community. We unequivocally condemn the U.S. government’s weak response to our cyberattack.

I joined the S.V.R for the thrill, the excitement, the danger. Now it’s like, why bother? The U.S. doesn’t even care about us anymore. Or at least that’s how it seems.

Nobody likes working a job where their accomplishments go unrecognized or unnoticed, covert Russian hackers included. My coworker, who’s also named Sergey, said it best: “I feel like Troy in High School Musical when his dad doesn’t take his singing seriously. I’ve never felt so unappreciated in my life.”

Don’t you see what’s happening here? The weak response from the United States government is forcing the emotional needs of Russian hackers to go unmet. I have no sense of purpose. My life feels meaningless. I hacked the Defense Department the other day, and nobody gave me a high-five. It really bummed me out. Turns out everyone’s hacked the Defense Department. It’s like a rite of passage now. They’ve even made a drinking game out of it.

Think of the professional implications here. The United States was such an easy target, I didn’t get a chance to show my boss what I’m capable of. There’s no way I can ask for a raise now. Looks like my kid won’t be getting those braces after all. Thanks, America.

My personal life suffers too. The other day I was playing soccer with nine of my friends, all of whom are also named Sergey, and they said to me, “What’s easier than hacking the U.S. Department of Defense? Your Mom!”

Ha-ha, very funny guys. But it’s not funny. It hurts and now I’m sad-eating tons of borscht to fill the hole in my heart.

So you see, it’s the classic human conundrum —What was once special, is now commonplace. What used to be gold is now nothing but shredded tinsel. Life is but a shadow of its former glory.

The one good thing that’s happened from all of this, is my search for greater meaning. I can feel myself moving away from the need for external validation. In just the past month I’ve changed my diet, quit cigarettes, and started journaling. I’m spending more quality time with my family, especially my mother, who’s also named Sergey.

The horribly inept response to our cyberattack by the United States government has really shown me how fleeting human life is. I’ve learned to slow down, to go with the flow. I’m dealing with human beings after all. Even with the best of intentions, American officials are going to make mistakes. I just didn’t expect them to make such monumentally huge mistakes. They really let me down. I expected more from them.

But that’s okay. I’m doing my best to move on. I’m thinking about changing careers, maybe doxxing foreign journalists or hunting down political dissidents. If there’s something you want in life, you gotta go get it yourself.

Real fulfillment must come from within.


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